Some connections are timeless. Regardless of how long you haven’t seen one another, once you meet again - it feels as if no time has passed in between. That feeling is priceless , as it points to a dimension within us which doesn’t wear a watch - soul, heart, spirit. And yet, at least in my experience, this phenomenon was a lot more common before the year of 2020, back when the world and its social fabric felt a lot less fragmented. Now the climate seems very different and meaningful interaction is increasingly happening online. And while this shift no doubt strips human connection of many layers, it also creates opportunities to widen one’s net geographically, and to potentially experience timelessness with those you would never have met otherwise.

Substack is one such place for me. Regardless of how long I’m absent for, while trying to adjust to the various transitions in my life, every time I come back, it feels as if no time has passed. Sure, the algorithm doesn’t ‘like’ me as much as it did back when I was more active, but the felt sense of community still seems to be there; with zero judgement toward those who take breaks while navigating challenging circumstances in their outer reality.

And as I make baby steps back into this space, I am reminded of another beautiful experience, namely that in this online community, I feel more seen than anywhere else on the Internet, as well as in the vast majority of real life interactions. I can literally count on one hand the number of people in my personal life who are able to truly see me. Especially now, when there seems to be so much overwhelm in people’s lives. 

This is why spaces like Substack are so refreshing - I can just be myself here, and I’m witnessed and understood.

Of course, misunderstandings and distortions still enter this space; it would be a utopia to believe otherwise. We all perceive reality through a unique set of filters, so a certain degree of projection is inevitable in all human interactions. But what makes the difference, in my opinion, isn’t perfect understanding, because that is something we can only truly grant ourselves, but curiosity. A desire to understand. Not the illusion of complete understanding, but a genuine striving toward it. Substack readers reflect on each other’s words , ask questions, try to understand, recognise themselves in what is being said, and even if they disagree - for the most part it’s respectful, with an unspoken agreement that different perspectives of the same truth can apply simultaneously.

I think curiosity is a beautiful quality in any human relationship. The saying “curiosity killed the cat” misses the mark, in my opinion. It is not curiosity that is destructive, but rigidity. Assumptions. The absence of an open mind and the willingness to understand. We are all guilty of this pattern at times, and I’m not taking myself out of the equation.

Another expression that comes to mind as I write this is “women are to be loved, not understood.” I used to find it romantic, despite it being attributed to Oscar Wilde, a man who romantically loved men, not women. To me, these words once felt like a form of unconditional love. I no longer think that. In fact, I believe the opposite is true - love tries to understand. The same applies to self-love: the more we know and understand ourselves, the more we can meet our own needs.

I think many of us gathered here carry an unmet need from childhood - the need to be seen for who we really were, not who we were expected to be. Not the version of ourselves we had to mould into in order to survive and be accepted. The masks we learned to wear.

Not having this need met is, in many ways, normal in our society. That is why so many people perform a role their entire lives, rarely allowing themselves a moment of true authenticity - not even in private, not even with themselves.

The difference is that while some can tolerate this existence, even if it is exhausting, for a highly sensitive soul it becomes impossible. It goes against their values, their nervous system, their very constitution. It feels like a betrayal of the self for instance to pretend to be happy when one feels sad, simply to make others more comfortable. And yet, this dynamic is often encouraged, rewarded and seen as a morally right thing to do.

Every time someone tells you to “cheer up” when you feel sad, every time someone assumes they know more about your experience than you do, every time you are subtly or overtly pushed away from your own truth - you are being unseen.

In Na’vi culture (Avatar film), “seeing” is not only physical. The phrase “Oel ngati kameie” - often translated as “I see you”, carries the sense of deep recognition and acknowledgment of another’s true essence, not just visual perception.

This profound greeting says - “I see into you, understand you, and accept you”, therefore recognising the spiritual, internal self rather than just the physical form.

And I think that is what many of us are longing for - not to be perfectly understood, but to be met with enough curiosity, presence, and openness that understanding can begin to take place.

Marshall Rosenberg, the originator of Nonviolent Communication, describes nine major categories of basic human needs, which are often called the ‘universal human needs’:

Sustenance
Safety
Love
Understanding or empathy
Creativity
Recreation
Sense of belonging
Autonomy
Meaning

The rest of the needs are subsets or combinations of these basic needs. This supports the idea that being seen/understood is a universal human need.

So how does an authentic person survive in a world that rewards performance above the truth?

I think I am speaking for many people on here when I say that one of the main reasons we love Substack and its community is the level of authenticity present on this platform. In simple terms - people on here keep it real.

And while this oasis of truth has become an invaluable resource for me and others on this path; we still have to return to and engage with the so called ‘real world’. And IRL situation is very different. The age old paradigm of performance over the authenticity still very much dominates the social fabric, despite the latter trending online and bringing hope to us all. The hope that one day, those who value depth over performance will no longer be dismissed as “weird” or fragile for refusing to disconnect from how they feel.

I didn’t always understand this about myself, nor did I have the language to articulate what I needed. Or perhaps I too was chronically hiding behind fragments of who I am - we all do that to varying degrees.

As I have written before - if our needs are not met early on, they don’t disappear, we often simply become disconnected from them, as well as unclear of what they even are.

And regardless of the type of connection, friendship or otherwise - the need to be heard, understood and most importantly seen - is becoming increasingly obvious. It is also becoming more obvious that majority of people do not operate like that. Performance, role, and mask 🎭 - for the most part these are still seen as more valuable than depth, authenticity and transparency.

Thank you, Substack community, for sharing these values. May we continue to walk each other home.

I wanted to write about the goddess Isis for some time now, but felt like my understanding of her is too limited, and my perspective won’t do this powerful archetype a justice. Mainly because, just like the title of this essay suggests, she was the embodiment of countless archetypes, and I haven’t studied them nearly enough.

And perhaps this is the point — just like Isis carried many expressions of the feminine, so does every woman in her own unique way.

Since today is the 8th of March — International Women’s Day, it feels like a good time to revisit this theme, regardless of the depth of my understanding, which is deep enough to communicate the message.

For thousands of years, up until the last century, the expression of feminine energy in its full range of archetypes was largely suppressed in society. Only certain qualities were considered acceptable for a woman to express, and only certain roles were welcomed — mainly those of a mother and a wife. The rest of the feminine expressions were deemed inappropriate and ended up forming a massive shadow in the collective unconscious, which is a whole other conversation and subject for another post.

Magic, protection of women, death and rebirth, healing, fertility, motherhood — those are some of the powers and attributes embodied by the great Goddess whose name is translated as “Queen of the Throne”. What always inspires me when I look at her visual representation are her wings. The ability to fly while in human form feels like the divine aspect expressing itself despite the perceived limitations of the density of the material world.

Another remarkable aspect of her abilities is expressed in the legend of Osiris, the husband of Isis, who was killed by his brother Seth and brought back from the dead thanks to the love Isis had for him, as well as her magical powers. The major emphasis in this story was made on sexual magic — something largely forgotten in this day and age, but practised in her era and later in the temples of Isis in Ancient Egypt.

Female sexuality became pretty much a taboo during the era of patriarchal monotheistic religions — a very different picture compared to the times of worshipping the Goddess. Again, a lot can be written about this and it still wouldn’t scratch the surface of what can be described as the suppression of the divine feminine energy in both women and men.

On the surface, we see the schism expressed as a “battle of the sexes“ and feminists versus misogynists. But this is only a small part of a much larger picture: these conflicts are consequences, not causes, of a deep and long-standing imbalance between masculine and feminine energies.

What’s more, anyone who embarks on the challenging but rewarding path of healing and self-development very quickly learns that regardless of our gender, we all have both masculine and feminine energies within us. The teachings of Carl Jung on Anima and Animus are a good place to start, although these days there are also many simpler explanations available online.

Speaking of the feminist movement, while it began with good intentions — and we have much to thank it for, I believe that some of its expression has been hijacked along the way, turning at times into a fight against men rather than a reclamation of women’s autonomy. It also sent confusing messages about women and men being the same. While we are equal in our rights, we are not the same, yet feminism sometimes overlooks this distinction while trying to prove that women can do everything a man can do.

To me, this echoes the old paradigm of masculine dominance. From a Jungian perspective, the Animus — the inner masculine in every woman can sometimes exert an unconscious influence. Becoming aware of this allows each woman to consciously integrate both her feminine and masculine energies, and define for herself what femininity truly means.

Going back to Isis, she reigned on Earth for a very long time, which might be an additional explanation why her symbolism represents as many things as it does. According to some sources, she was a high priestess in Atlantis before its destruction and later re-established herself in Ancient Egypt. Whether this is true or not, this archetype can teach women a lot about their inherent complexity and beauty — the multifaceted nature of feminine energy, the mystery that is both ancient and modern, and the infinite wisdom and power that expresses itself differently in every woman.

To me personally, this is the deeper reminder behind the Goddess of ten thousand names — that femininity itself cannot be reduced to a single role, definition, or expectation. Each woman discovers and expresses it in her own way.

When the feminine and masculine energies within humanity come back into balance, miracles can happen. And perhaps this is exactly what our planet needs the most right now.

Happy International Women’s Day, ladies. 💜

”It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

Jiddu Krishnamurti

This quote has been one of my favourites since the moment I first laid my eyes on it. To me, it cuts right through the fog of the “illusion of normality” that permeates our lives. And since I am someone who has never felt (well) adjusted to this society, Krishnamurti’s words gifted me with the realisation that there isn’t anything inherently wrong with me.

There is a pervasive tendency in our culture to pathologise sensitivity and human struggle, especially in the realm of mental health. Yet the true pathology lies in environments that are hostile to human health. Environments that suppress our authenticity and disconnect us from who we really are - environments that are cruel to our bodies and souls.

I often wonder how many people, until recently, would have agreed with this narrative, though. While the quote deeply resonated with many individuals, it certainly hasn’t been a consensus among the masses; otherwise wouldn’t there have been a global uprising by now? Instead, we have mostly seen localized upheavals - in places where circumstances became so dire that people had no choice but to act. The rest of the world seemed to remain blissfully unaware, much like the proverbial frogs in slowly boiling water.

Until now. The collective “dark night of the Soul”, a time of making the unconscious conscious in Jungian terms. Hold on - but didn’t I imply earlier on that for some of us the dysfunction of the society has long been obvious? Indeed, and I suspect that it does take particular life experiences, including that of being a bit of an outsider, in order to begin to perceive a certain dimension of reality that usually isn’t noticed by the masses. Not an eagle- eye view, perhaps, but enough to notice patterns that insiders normalise.

The normalisation of the dysfunction.

Did I say that we also pathologise not fitting in and being different from the group? But of course we do; otherwise why would people like that be bullied beginning with their childhood? The irony once again is that the pathology lies with the bullies - and abuse of any kind, really. Yet that too is normalised, whether explicitly or behind the scenes - that’s another matter. Usually, it’s a bit of both: not knowing and seeing more often than not means not wanting to know and see. Minimising , deflecting , denying. Which brings me to the recent mass release of the Epstein files and the shock and outrage surrounding them. While I believe it is ultimately a positive thing that the truth is coming to light at last, the experience is bittersweet, and here is why.

Abuse exists in many shapes and forms, and as I mentioned earlier - some of them are pretty much normalised in our culture. Or at least have been until very recently. The latest revelations from the Epstein files are without doubt an extreme and very dark example of it - pedophilia, murder, cannibalism, ritualistic human sacrifices. And yet, people had been speaking about this behaviour in the so-called ‘elite circles’ for at least a decade, only to be branded ‘conspiracy theorists’. There were multiple disturbing stories leaking through over the years - not in the mainstream media perhaps, but with enough exposure to generate a buzz. Alas. Human beings have an uncanny ability to deny, avoid, and laugh off the uncomfortable truths, or simply truths that don’t fit their worldview. And an ugly truth that I want to touch upon in this article, is that sexual abuse of minors is far more common than people like to believe. I experienced it myself at a VERY young age. I was “lucky” in the sense that it wasn’t a violent or physically painful kind, but given how young I was - it was a very big deal. It was not perpetrated by a parent, however I was instructed by a parent never to speak about it to anyone, and so for a very long time I didn’t. I minimised and underestimated it for years - decades - which is why I know firsthand how shame and silence breed dysfunction and prevent healing.

As a result of this experience , I am not even remotely surprised that pedophilia exists within the so-called elite circles - sadly, it exists everywhere. And yet, what historically remained the most pervasive is the denial around it - for the most part it stayed in humanity’s shadow - a taboo subject that carries immense shame and stigma - a heavy weight placed for the most part on the shoulders of the victims. An elephant in the room - we know it’s there, but we don’t talk about it.

Subscribe now

Biology and power.

There is also a primitive reason at play as to why a lot of people look the other way when the abuse of power happens in their immediate environment - a systemic, rather than the individual tendency. On a basic biological level, social animals form dominance hierarchies where submission to aggression becomes a survival strategy - and evidently many humans still fall into that pattern.

As long as we keep normalising abuse in our daily lives (regardless of its nature and scale) - nothing of substance will change, no matter who we arrest or vote into positions of leadership. Epstein’s list is merely the tip of the iceberg, and while it can serve as a powerful wake up call, we need to acknowledge and address the part hidden under the water - or the ship will continue sinking.

From an esoteric perspective, it is the collective consciousness, or in this case unconsciousness that shapes our direction. As powerful as the ”elites” may appear - they are often puppets of certain adversarial forces who are very much interested in the continued enslavement of the human spirit.

The rise of the spiritual warrior.

Speaking of the esoteric - from an astrological perspective, we are witnessing a massive shift. At this very moment, in February 2026, the outer planets Neptune and Saturn have moved from Pisces and met at 0° Aries. This is seen as the symbol of grand disillusionment and the rise of the spiritual warrior archetype. It signals the end of spiritual bypassing - the era when esoteric concepts were used to avoid facing our psychological shadows.

This shift demands a difficult balancing act: staying informed and outspoken about global events while fiercely protecting our own well-being. Staying informed used to mean reading a newspaper once a day. Now it means a 24/7 stream of catastrophe, injustice, war, abuse, collapse - and the commentary about it all. For a sensitive nervous system (especially one healing from trauma) this registers as immediate, local danger. In other words - we can regulate our nervous system all we want, but if we keep consuming horror, outrage, and urgency every day, we’re asking it to do the impossible.

I have learned to listen to my body, and to consume destabilising information only when I feel centered and grounded in myself; as soon as I feel stress hormones kick in, I either moderate or pause the exposure altogether. When it comes to Epstein files - I avoid reading them directly from their source, and instead try to stay on the periphery of it.

It helps to remember that this information is very dark, and it is a lot to process for people, especially when it requires a complete worldview shift, so compassion (and self-compassion) is essential.

But it is also essential not to bury one’s head in the sand once again.

The call for the healthy masculine

I feel a particular discouragement when I witness passivity and silence in men regarding these issues. On social media, the vast majority of outrage comes from women, and while this is partly due to the fact that so many of us have experienced unwanted sexual advances beginning with childhood, I wonder what else is at play. I personally refuse to believe the cynical narrative circulating online, stating that many men stay silent because they too are attracted to under age girls. I simply refuse to live in this reality, despite my early experiences. But I do think that masculinity is going through a crisis, and way too many men believe they are “good” as long as they aren’t active abusers. But a healthy masculine is not a passive bystander; it’s protective - and I really hope this archetype strengthens in the years to come.

Divide and conquer

Gender differences aside, the current social fabric is not really supportive for anyone, there is more disconnection and fragmentation than there has ever been - which of course weakens the very defences needed in the spiritual war we find ourselves in. Connection - especially heart-centred connection, is an extremely powerful force, and is the quickest way to remember our true Nature - Love. Which is why the loneliness epidemic is so destabilising for many. The below article wasn’t written by me, but it sums up my observations and experiences when it comes to this issue, and is an important read in this day and age:

When we are witnessing so much ugliness, it is important to surround ourselves with beauty where possible. Be it Nature, works of art, or the beauty of human connection - we all need a reminder that darkness isn’t the only thing in this world; there is also plenty of light. Light we all carry in our hearts.

I want to end this essay with another powerful quote by a wise woman I came across recently, one which to me unites the element of self- care with the spiritual warrior archetype.

"One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these - to be fierce and to show mercy toward others; both are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do."

~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Thank you for reading! If my work resonates with you and you would like to support it, you can buy me a coffee by clicking the link below:

Buy me a coffee 🐝

”It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

Jiddu Krishnamurti

This quote has been one of my favourites since the moment I first laid my eyes on it. To me, it cuts right through the fog of the “illusion of normality” that permeates our lives. And since I am someone who has never felt (well) adjusted to this society, Krishnamurti’s words gifted me with the realisation that there isn’t anything inherently wrong with me.

There is a pervasive tendency in our culture to pathologise sensitivity and human struggle, especially in the realm of mental health. Yet the true pathology lies in environments that are hostile to human health. Environments that suppress our authenticity and disconnect us from who we really are - environments that are cruel to our bodies and souls.

I often wonder how many people, until recently, would have agreed with this narrative, though. While the quote deeply resonated with many individuals, it certainly hasn’t been a consensus among the masses; otherwise wouldn’t there have been a global uprising by now? Instead, we have mostly seen localized upheavals - in places where circumstances became so dire that people had no choice but to act. The rest of the world seemed to remain blissfully unaware, much like the proverbial frogs in slowly boiling water.

Until now. The collective “dark night of the Soul”, a time of making the unconscious conscious in Jungian terms. Hold on - but didn’t I imply earlier on that for some of us the dysfunction of the society has long been obvious? Indeed, and I suspect that it does take particular life experiences, including that of being a bit of an outsider, in order to begin to perceive a certain dimension of reality that usually isn’t noticed by the masses. Not an eagle- eye view, perhaps, but enough to notice patterns that insiders normalise.

The normalisation of the dysfunction.

Did I say that we also pathologise not fitting in and being different from the group? But of course we do; otherwise why would people like that be bullied beginning with their childhood? The irony once again is that the pathology lies with the bullies - and abuse of any kind, really. Yet that too is normalised, whether explicitly or behind the scenes - that’s another matter. Usually, it’s a bit of both: not knowing and seeing more often than not means not wanting to know and see. Minimising , deflecting , denying. Which brings me to the recent mass release of the Epstein files and the shock and outrage surrounding them. While I believe it is ultimately a positive thing that the truth is coming to light at last, the experience is bittersweet, and here is why.

Abuse exists in many shapes and forms, and as I mentioned earlier - some of them are pretty much normalised in our culture. Or at least have been until very recently. The latest revelations from the Epstein files are without doubt an extreme and very dark example of it - pedophilia, murder, cannibalism, ritualistic human sacrifices. And yet, people had been speaking about this behaviour in the so-called ‘elite circles’ for at least a decade, only to be branded ‘conspiracy theorists’. There were multiple disturbing stories leaking through over the years - not in the mainstream media perhaps, but with enough exposure to generate a buzz. Alas. Human beings have an uncanny ability to deny, avoid, and laugh off the uncomfortable truths, or simply truths that don’t fit their worldview. And an ugly truth that I want to touch upon in this article, is that sexual abuse of minors is far more common than people like to believe. I experienced it myself at a VERY young age. I was “lucky” - it wasn’t a violent or physically painful kind, but considering my age - it was a very big deal. As a result of this experience , I am not even remotely surprised that pedophilia exists within the so-called elite circles - sadly, it exists everywhere. And yet, what historically remained the most pervasive is the denial around it - for the most part it stayed in humanity’s shadow - a taboo subject that carries immense shame and stigma - a heavy weight placed for the most part on the shoulders of the victims. An elephant in the room - we know it’s there, but we don’t talk about it.

Subscribe now

Biology and power.

There is also a primitive reason at play as to why a lot of people look the other way when the abuse of power happens in their immediate environment - a systemic, rather than the individual tendency. On a basic biological level, social animals form dominance hierarchies where submission to aggression becomes a survival strategy - and evidently many humans still fall into that pattern.

As long as we keep normalising abuse in our daily lives (regardless of its nature and scale) - nothing of substance will change, no matter who we arrest or vote into positions of leadership. Epstein’s list is merely the tip of the iceberg, and while it can serve as a powerful wake up call, we need to acknowledge and address the part under the water - or the ship will continue sinking.

From an esoteric perspective, it is the collective consciousness, or in this case unconsciousness that shapes our direction. As powerful as the ”elites” may appear - they are often puppets of certain adversarial forces who are very much interested in the continued enslavement of the human spirit.

The rise of the spiritual warrior.

Speaking of the esoteric - from an astrological perspective, we are witnessing a massive shift. At this very moment, in February 2026, the outer planets Neptune and Saturn have moved from Pisces and met at 0° Aries. This is seen as the symbol of grand disillusionment and the rise of the spiritual warrior archetype. It signals the end of spiritual bypassing - the era when esoteric concepts were used to avoid facing our psychological shadows.

This shift demands a difficult balancing act: staying informed and outspoken about global events while fiercely protecting our own well-being. Staying informed used to mean reading a newspaper once a day. Now it means a 24/7 stream of catastrophe, injustice, war, abuse, collapse - and the commentary about it all. For a sensitive nervous system (especially one healing from trauma) this registers as immediate, local danger. In other words - we can regulate our nervous system all we want, but if we keep consuming horror, outrage, and urgency every day, we’re asking it to do the impossible.

I have learned to listen to my body, and to consume destabilising information only when I feel centered and grounded in myself; as soon as I feel stress hormones kick in, I either moderate or pause the exposure altogether. When it comes to Epstein files - I avoid reading them directly from their source, and instead try to stay on the periphery of it.

It helps to remember that this information is very dark, and it is a lot to process for people, especially when it requires a complete worldview shift, so compassion (and self-compassion) is essential.

But it is also essential not to bury one’s head in the sand once again.

The call for the healthy masculine

I feel a particular discouragement when I witness passivity and silence in men regarding these issues. On social media, the vast majority of outrage comes from women, and while this is partly due to the fact that so many of us have experienced unwanted sexual advances beginning with childhood, I wonder what else is at play. I personally refuse to believe the cynical narrative circulating online, stating that many men stay silent because they too are attracted to under age girls. I simply refuse to live in this reality, despite my early experiences. But I do think that masculinity is going through a crisis, and way too many men believe they are “good” as long as they aren’t active abusers. But a healthy masculine is not a passive bystander; it’s protective - and I really hope this archetype strengthens in the years to come.

Divide and conquer

Gender differences aside, the current social fabric is not really supportive for anyone, there is more disconnection and fragmentation than there has ever been - which of course weakens the very defences needed in the spiritual war we find ourselves in. Connection - especially heart-centred connection, is an extremely powerful force, and is the quickest way to remember our true Nature - Love. Which is why the loneliness epidemic is so destabilising for many. The below article wasn’t written by me, but it sums up my observations and experiences when it comes to this issue, and is an important read in this day and age:

When we are witnessing so much ugliness, it is important to surround ourselves with beauty where possible. Be it Nature, works of art, or the beauty of human connection - we all need a reminder that darkness isn’t the only thing in this world; there is also plenty of light. Light we all carry in our hearts.

I want to end this essay with another powerful quote by a wise woman I came across recently, one which to me unites the element of self- care with the spiritual warrior archetype.

"One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these - to be fierce and to show mercy toward others; both are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do."

~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Thank you for reading! If my work resonates with you and you would like to support it, you can buy me a coffee by clicking the link below:

Buy me a coffee 🐝

“School of Athens” by Rafael

When we think of philosophy, we usually think of its original founders as three great figures: Socrates, Plato and Aristotle - in that exact order. They were indeed major players, and without them the game wouldn’t be the same. Their combined influence shaped Western culture and determined much of the direction philosophy would take.

However, they weren’t the first great Ancient Greek thinkers. Before them - in the 6th Century BC - came a group we now call the Pre-Socratic philosophers, such as Thales, Anaximander, and Anaximenes, to name a few. They are also referred to as Milesian philosophers , due to their place of origin - Miletus, Ionia.

What caught my attention while learning about them is how they managed to unite two seemingly contradictory notions:

1. The natural, rather than supernatural principles of Nature are responsible for the processes of life.

2. This doesn’t mean God doesn’t exist - quite the contrary. God is behind it all, but in a very different way than Greek mythology suggests.

In mythology, the pantheon of Gods residing on Mount Olympus were seen as all powerful, and the ancient Greeks lived in both fear and reverence of them. This dynamic placed humans in a powerless, dependent, almost childlike position. Yet, despite their supposed immortality and power, the Greek gods were also highly emotional and impulsive, prone to human like passions and behaviours, as well as highly questionable moral and ethical choices. Mortals were therefore at the mercy of divine moods and whims. This anthropomorphic interpretation of the divine was rejected by Pre-Socratic thinkers such as Xenophanes, who sought a more abstract and unified understanding of the sacred.

The arrival of philosophy itself can be seen as an impulse to counteract this imbalance - an awakening of reason, reflection and self-awareness in the pursuit of a meaningful life. More than anything, it marked the birth of human autonomy and self-responsibility.

Going back to our Pre-Socratic thinkers - their curiosity was drawn to both the Earthly - speculating about the nature of matter, observing Nature and the role the four elements play in it - and the cosmic: the nature of the heavenly bodies and their movements.

Milesian philosophers are considered to be the forefathers of scientific thinking, moving beyond blind religious belief - and yet they were not atheists. I find that fascinating, because in modern times, this duality is usually seen as paradoxical, with individual worldviews swaying towards either the scientific perception or the religious one. These two worldviews differ in a major way, since the former needs a tangible evidence at all times in order to accept something as real, and for the latter, faith plays a defining role. To me this proves once again that the evolution of all things - of thought in this case, is cyclical, as opposed to linear.

Enter Rudolf Steiner (1861- 1925) - an Austrian philosopher, mystic, scientist and a founder of Anthroposophy. According to Steiner, the Greek period represents a profound evolutionary milestone in human consciousness. He described Ancient Greece as the cultural epoch when humanity first developed the faculty of conceptual and logical thinking - the ability to observe, reflect , and reason independently.

Rudolf Steiner

Before this stage, humans were immersed in a collective divine consciousness - experiencing the spiritual world directly through what Steiner calls “clairvoyance by default”. In this earlier state, people were intimately connected to the cosmos, yet lacked true freedom because their thoughts, feelings and actions were largely determined by spiritual forces. The Greek awakening marked the birth of individuality and free will, a step toward conscious freedom, though it came with a price - the loss of effortless connection to the Divine.

Looking at the history of philosophy through the anthroposophical framework - it is plausible to conclude that the Pre-Socratics stood at this very threshold. They could still perceive the sacred intelligence within Nature, but they began to express it through reason rather than direct spiritual experience. They weren’t rejecting the divine - their task was to begin to translate spiritual order into human understanding. This is what makes their worldview so very fascinating to our modern mind. They were the first scientists, yet they weren’t atheists - achieving a delicate balance of observing the Nature while still honouring the sacred, which was slowly beginning to dim in human consciousness at that point. The bridge between the old mystical consciousness and the emerging rational thought still existed nonetheless.

As is often the case, over time the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction. Human thinking has hardened, becoming less flexible, with the intellect replacing God fully and science assuming the role of a new religion. In other words, materialism has become the dominant ideology, which has led to all kinds of problems we still face in the society.

The original meaning of the word ‘philosophy’ - ‘love of wisdom’ in the Greek language - implied so much more than the intellect alone can achieve. Wisdom, or Sophia, is the divine feminine consciousness that bridges the mind and the heart. The suppression of the feminine principle and the resulting patriarchal order can be traced directly to the transition from the receptive, intuitive wisdom of the past to the assertive, logic driven intellect of the modern era. In its drive for autonomy and independence from Mother Nature, the intellect forgot it was originally meant to be the counterpart of Sophia, not her master.

While the seeds of the patriarchal order were sown millennia earlier during the Agricultural Revolution with the rise of private property and with it the concerns over paternity leading to the restriction of women’s autonomy- it was in Ancient Greece that this power shift was codified into a philosophy of existence.

This is the shadow side of the development of the intellect, and the social fabric of Ancient Greece reflected this clearly. On a daily societal level, women were stripped of the right to vote or own property, while in the spiritual realm, female priestesses and oracles were gradually sidelined and over time fully replaced by male priests. Not to mention that the study of philosophy (with very few exceptions like Aspasia and Hypatia) was largely denied to women. Because philosophy was defined strictly as “Logos” (rational discourse) , and the Greeks decided that women were governed by “Pathos” (emotion/feeling), they argued that women were naturally incapable of philosophy. Of course, this split was more about the consolidation of power than any inherent truth, as all individuals carry both feminine and masculine energies within them - a reality Greeks overlooked in their rush to define the rational self.

As a result - women and the feminine qualities were increasingly seen as ‘less than’, with both philosophical and religious teachings driving this narrative in different ways for thousands of years. Mother Nature became an object to conquer and control, rather than live in harmony with - and the same came to be true of women’s bodies.

Needless to say - humanity has paid and is continuing to pay a very high price for this societal imbalance. A bird cannot fly with just one wing - it will inevitably crash; and yet this is how humanity has operated for millennia - emphasising the intellect while suppressing the intuition, the feeling, and the emotion, essentially disconnecting itself from its own Soul.

Perhaps the development of one principle was never meant to happen at the expense of the other, perhaps these power imbalances are a direct result of humanity’s disconnection from the divine consciousness. While the “fall” into matter was likely an inevitable part of evolution - allowing us to become individuals - how we show up while disconnected from the Source is still ultimately our choice. That is the essence of Free Will - as we can only make a conscious choice as individuals.

Fast forward to today, and one cannot deny that we live in highly volatile times - times of transition, often referred to as the end of the Kali Yuga, the darkest epoch spiritually speaking. Regarding Pre-Socratic philosophy, it feels as though we have gone a full circle - and are revisiting that same threshold - where we can once again unite the material and spiritual world as one; except this time this understanding is earned by us, as opposed to given to us by default. We as individuals need to climb the consciousness ladder back up, and remember our true nature.

The tension between science and spirituality continues , now explored through consciousness studies and quantum physics. We live in extraordinary times when this age old conflict is being solved by a new bridge. And yet, the Pre-Socratics knew long time ago that the mindset of “either/or” won’t get one very far when it comes to understanding the secrets of the Universe. The middle path - the balance of the left and right hemisphere, the masculine and feminine polarities - is where the true answers are found.

The lesson of the Pre- Socratics, and the Greeks more broadly remains: wisdom lies not in extremes, but in the balance between knowing and wondering, thinking and feeling, Heaven and Earth.

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“Lady and the tiger” by Frederick Stuart Church.

Turns out that writing is a lot like dating - the longer you stay out of the game - the less confident you feel about returning to it. The stakes start to seem increasingly higher, the pressure to get it just right intensifies - to say the right thing, to sound a certain way, to leave the perfect impression - all the seemingly important stuff fashion magazines would have us believe matters a great deal.

You know all these things are irrelevant, yet the mind immediately jumps at the opportunity to solve a ‘problem’, turning it into a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be. Suddenly, the comfort zone feels like a very reasonable place to set up permanent residence, if only to avoid all the stress your body didn’t sign up for.

Of course, the truth is that all this pressure is manufactured internally (I haven’t read a fashion magazine in at least a decade now) - most likely by the inner critic, who else?. And I begin to believe his whispers that my return from the exile of writer’s block should be some extraordinary piece that marks a clear ‘before and after’ in my journey. A perfectly composed explanation for my hiatus. A masterpiece, essentially.

This never happens of course, as none of this pressure and expectations are real to begin with - they live entirely in my imagination. The anticipation, the fantasy of the ideal way to make a comeback, the fear that readers will judge the reasons for my pause as “rubbish excuses.”

And then I remember that the only ‘rubbish’ in here is the distorted way of thinking - the need to please others, to show up a certain way, to appear like I have it all figured out after taking a break. As if. The world is a far more chaotic and confusing place now than it was the last time I hit ‘publish’, why on Earth should I be more balanced?

So I ask my inner critic to step aside. I just want to write, not perform in some carefully curated play titled ‘My Perfect Life’, the sort of theatre so many people on social media feel compelled to participate in.

Of course Substack is different. Very different. Authenticity is valued highly on here - people actually write from their hearts, not just from their intellect, so it’s definitely not about performance and perfection as much as my inner critic tends to think it is. And even though I haven’t written longer pieces in recent months, I’ve stayed active through Notes - and some of them have done quite well. That small surge of connection and resonance was the nudge my fluctuating confidence needed to stop overthinking and sit down to write again.

More importantly, I wanted to expand on the Note that recently took off and brought in a wave of new subscribers. It sparked an important conversation, which is likely why it resonated with so many. It also introduced me to reflections from other writers exploring the same terrain. Here is the Note in full; and at the bottom of this piece, I’ll link to the original on my Substack feed if you’d like to explore the comments and community engagement.

I am using the term ‘healing’ broadly - across all therapeutic and healing professions, as while the methods, practical applications, frameworks and levels of training vary widely , the need for strong ethics when working with human vulnerability remains universal.

I wrote that Note in response to a particular online content and the interactions it generated, but the core truth I arrived at reaches far beyond that moment. It reflects years, even decades of first hand experiences - a pattern I’ve seen repeat itself again and again. A pattern that never felt quite right, but in the past I didn’t have the language to articulate what exactly was wrong with it and why. When something is all you’ve ever known, it’s easy to mistake it for normal, even if your body is screaming ‘no’.

Only as a result of having a very different, embodied experience, not just an intellectual insight, does the context appear that allows you to see and name things for what they really are. In other words, if one grows up accustomed to feeling powerless - if this very state helps them survive, they may not realise that the right therapy is meant to empower them, helping them develop a stronger sense of Self. It will only seem logical that the therapist/healer is the unquestionable authority in the process - the one who knows best, the one who get to dictate what is “right”.

This doesn’t mean that healers and therapists don’t have any responsibility - quite the opposite, their responsibility is enormous. It is a sacred task to help guide someone back to themselves, back to wholeness. But to wield this power wisely, one must be integrated to a certain extent themselves. And because all of us are work in progress to varying degrees, blind spots are inevitable, which is precisely why doing this work ethically and with integrity is such a profound undertaking.

A metaphor I like is that which says a therapist is holding a mirror. Needless to say, not all mirrors reflect the true reality.

Transactional Analysis describes three main ego states - the inner child, inner adult and inner parent. For many people with early adversity - a healthy inner adult doesn’t get a chance to fully develop, and the psyche becomes dominated by the wounded inner children parts, as well the inner parent who instead of supportive influence tends to assume the role of the inner critic. Due to the lack of a strong inner adult and a loving inner parent, the dynamics of powerlessness, shame and punishment continue to play out internally. Which is precisely why the theraupetic process, whatever form it takes, must work toward building a stronger inner adult and a supportive inner parent, so the inner children can finally have their needs met. A therapist may temporarily model the healthy parent figure - in fact it is an integral part of the healing journey, especially since so many of us initially don’t even know what that is supposed to look like (which is why we keep defaulting to the inner critic again and again) , but the ultimate goal is to help a person develop their own inner authority. In the end, the only true expert on our life is us.

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Another metaphor that came to mind as I was writing this - is that of a car. While it’s usually not my favourite analogy when it comes to a living being and their psyche, in this case - since we are discussing the distribution of power - it actually fits. Essentially - the objective is for a person’ adult self to be in the driver’s seat of their life - children are not equipped to drive, although they do try. The therapist you choose becomes the driving instructor sitting beside you - guiding and supporting you - but essentially it is you driving and getting intimate with both your car and the landscape around you. Their input, and more importantly their safe presence next to you is infinitely valuable, but you are the one behind the wheel. There are exceptions of course - just like the driving instructor would certainly get involved physically if you were about to crash the car, a therapist has an ethical duty to break confidentiality rule in case their patient displays the risk of harming themselves or others. Evidently- a huge responsibility, and yet it is shared in a way that allows the client to trust themselves enough to make the right choice in any circumstances, as the instructor won’t be there forever. Far too often, however, healing spaces - especially those with a significant brand presence, reinforce a story in which the ‘expert’ dictates what is right, leaving the seeker feeling dependent or diminished.

Of course these dynamics are not limited to therapy spaces , far from it. We live in the society that for the most part does its absolute best to disconnect an individual from themselves - the power of their True Self. It is done in a myriad of ways, from the political ideologies we are told to adopt without question and the rigid life checklists we’re told to follow without any deviation and individual preference , to the beauty standards we are meant to conform to, the ‘correct’ way to be a spiritual person, a successful person, a creative person. These templates get in the way of one’s soul expression , which by default blocks inner power.

Yes, on paper we have a freedom of thought, speech and self-expression, but on the psychic level we are bombarded with subtle and not so subtle programming that makes staying true to ourselves incredibly challenging. We are social beings of course, and the belonging and connection are important to us both biologically and psychologically. And while true belonging and connection does not require us to sacrifice our authenticity and abandon our needs, that realisation is an advanced level of soul’s embodiment, something the modern culture actively disconnects us from.

Even trauma, in one of its core expressions, is basically a disconnection. Disconnection from the body , disconnection from the present moment, disconnection from our environment and other people, disconnection from ourselves.

Healing is meant to reverse that. To bring us back to ourselves , not drive us further away. In the ideal world anyway.

In reality, the power imbalances seep into even this sacred territory and manifest in all kinds of ways - some subtle, some alarmingly blatant. And when one looks at it from a more mature and less idealistic lens - it makes unfortunate sense - vulnerable people, desperate to feel better , are easy targets. Their defences are thinner to begin with, and they are even more open to the influence of those they seek help from.

As a result of the conversations sparked under that Note , I found myself reading an article that explored a lot darker dynamics than I was initially calling out. A downright abuse of power - in a supposedly spiritual place - in a group setting, a context which comes with a whole other level of power dynamics. Yet the ending of that essay bridged the gap between what I was naming and the deeper layers I hadn’t yet articulated - showing how one feeds the other.

The author writes:

“I’ll end it on this: any community that doesn’t have built-in accountability (real accountability, not just ‘work on your projections’ BS) is going to hurt people. It’s not a question of if. It’s when.

I still believe in agency. I still believe in personal responsibility. But real self-responsibility includes naming harm. Refusing to spiritualize abuse. And yes, holding people in power accountable for how they use it.”

The full article linked below:

Conscious Revolution

What the Osho cult taught me about spiritual abuse: Part II

This post is not about denying self-responsibility. It is about naming power. Because when abuse of power starts at the top, participating in or enabling it is not an accident, it is by design…

Read more

5 months ago · 64 likes · 46 comments · Margarit Davtian

I found it interesting that we approached the same problem from two different angles, and yet came to a similar conclusion. I was naming the issue of the healing arts pushing dominant narratives that strip people of personal self-responsibility and inner power , she was naming the mirror image of the distortion - personal responsibility weaponised to gaslight those questioning the authority - the good old “you are just triggered/projecting , you need to heal more” deflection tactic.

The exploration of these shadow elements isn’t the whole picture, of course. And inevitably a deeper - a philosophical and an evolutionary purpose of such dynamics emerges. One that transcends the roles of victim and perpetrator. One that invites discernment and self-trust - the integral components of personal power.

Because without knowing the darkness, can we recognise, and more importantly appreciate the light? Without being disconnected from who we truly are, and losing our power as a result, would we even learn to wield it responsibly? And without being blinded by illusion, could we ever find the truth - our truth in the overwhelming noise of this world? Perhaps that has been the evolutionary lesson of the human experience all along.

Additionally, there is a collective shift that has been unfolding for years now and is the inspiration behind the slogan “the age of the Guru is over”. Whether consciously or not, humanity has long carried a tendency to look for a saviour, someone that will swoop in and fix everything for us. This tendency has been amplified through various esoteric (New Age) frameworks in recent decades - from the Galactic federation supposedly coming to liberate us all from the evil Cabal, to more ‘vanilla’ narratives where we simply wake up one morning in a 5D reality, heaven on Earth. No inner work required.

Needless to say - none of that has manifested. If anything, reality got progressively more chaotic. And it is clear by now that the above mentioned frameworks were distortions, perhaps even created with an intent to make people more complacent and disconnected from their power. The truth is, evolutionary speaking now is the time for the individuation and the liberation of our true nature , the future of this planet depends on it. But the liberator is not an external figure - it is found within us. As the title of one of the foundational books on the Internal Family Systems model reminds us: You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For. The authority, the guidance, and the transformation we seek ultimately reside in our own Self.

Perhaps this is a bigger picture reason why so many of us are suddenly becoming aware of the disempowering dynamics in some of the healing spaces - we are ready to reclaim our authority.

As promised, the link to the note on my feed:

Thank you for reading! If my work resonates with you and you would like to support it, you can buy me a coffee by clicking the link below:

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Last Friday night , while half the capital was out celebrating Halloween, and the other half were doing their best to avoid crossing paths with people wearing freaky make up and costumes - I was making my way home from work. As perhaps is evident from the way I phrased that , I belonged to the latter group - the one not amused by what modern consumerism has done to the ancient wisdom contained in the Samhain celebrations.

Not that I haven’t enjoyed the commercial version myself once upon a time, back when partying was still an integral part of my identity and awareness of the deeper meaning behind holidays wasn’t exactly on my radar just yet. But we change, and so do our values.

A detail about that evening that’s quite important to this story: rain. And not just any rain, which is hardly a rarity in the UK - but a proper downpour, raining cats and dogs, for lack of a better term. Which is precisely why I congratulated myself on how grown-up it was of me to actually have an umbrella this time, and how well I was doing in terms of not losing it, unlike pretty much every other umbrella that came before the green brolly I was holding while walking down Baker Street.

Not unlike the mystery of the second sock, I had absolutely no idea where those countless others umbrellas had vanished without leaving a trace behind. Maybe the famous past resident of Baker Street could answer this question, if he weren’t fictional, that is - I thought while passing by the Sherlock Holmes museum.

At some point, I gave up buying umbrellas altogether, as it seemed like a waste of money. But the wet Autumn days had arrived and changed my mind , planting a conviction in my head that I was more than capable of holding on to a new one this time.

Of course, there were disruptions on the Underground, and so I had to change my route, jumping on the Jubilee line and heading to Canary Wharf. Contrary to my nervous anticipation, the train wasn’t packed with tipsy partygoers in vampire and skeleton outfits - only the odd few were dressed up, easy enough to tune out. More of an annoyance was the man in front of me with music blasting from his headphones .

It has to be said that I can’t stand public transport these days - my tolerance for its environment seems to have plummeted, and it doesn’t take long for my nervous system to feel overwhelmed by the influx of stimuli from people crammed together in those underground carriages. I am working on it, but still - these spaces are well outside my comfort zone.

On this occasion the journey wasn’t too bad though, and definitely a lot better than I expected for a Friday evening of the 31st of October to unfold on the London Underground. However, once I reached the top of the escalator at Canary Wharf station, I realised that the inevitable had happened. I’d lost my umbrella once again - the recently purchased one.

This time it was quite obvious where it had gone - I must have left it on the seat in the train. Other than that, the pattern had repeated itself.

And yet something was also very different this time - namely, my inner state. There wasn’t any negative emotion attached to the realisation, despite the downpour outside showing no sign of easing. There was no shock or anxiety present in my body - no freezing , but more importantly - there were no self-blaming or punishing thoughts running through my mind, as would normally be the case in this kind of situation.

There was acceptance, even self-compassion present - it had already happened, there was nothing I could do about it now, so there was absolutely no point in beating myself up. If anything, I found the situation amusing and deeply ironic - the opposite of something to hold against myself.

I imagine that for some of you reading this, those who are naturally kinder to themselves, my reaction might seem obvious. After all, it’s not a big deal - nothing particularly valuable was lost. The adult part of my psyche agrees, of course. And yet I know very well that my inner critic tends to have very different thoughts on such matters, especially when he is the one holding the microphone, as he so often is whenever something goes wrong.

Not too long ago I was reminded of his damaging legacy once again. After a stressful interaction with an aggressive bookshop customer, instead of supporting and soothing my system, I attacked it - criticising myself for not drawing a boundary sooner. And this time I saw clearly that stress caused by the external incident wasn’t nearly as strong as the one I continued to inflict on myself for hours afterwards.

When I woke up the next day feeling my body’s immune defences weakened, I knew something had to change in how I treat myself after distressing encounters.

This is an essential point to understand about the inner critic part of the human psyche - it tends to get activated precisely when we are already more vulnerable and destabilised by some external event - a time when what we really need is care, not condemnation. A counterintuitive response , yet one that seemed justified in the old school parenting paradigm, the very place we inherited it from.

This event has served as a powerful reminder to keep an eye on this inner dynamic. I revisited a semi-targeted work with this sub-personality, entering into dialogue with different parts of me in a meditative state. I am confident that this newly found awareness directly manifested in the umbrella story - turning it into a gentle reparenting experience for the inner child part of me, who was finally met with support she needed instead of harsh criticism - something she was constantly exposed to in childhood.

I believe that constructive criticism is rare in this day and age generally speaking, and it is certainly not a domain of the inner critic - at least not in my case. Perhaps someone who grew up with at least one ‘good enough parent’ - a term coined by D.W. Winnicott to describe a primary caretaker who, while certainly not perfect, is sufficiently responsive to their child’s needs - has a less toxic inner critic figure, or one tempered by other supportive influences.

However, if one grew up in an environment of abuse and neglect, toxic shame and low self-worth inevitably follow. Even if one goes no contact in the adult life, as I have, the abuse is reinforced internally - by the inner critic.

After all, we internalise the voices of our caregivers, and these tapes play on repeat for years, decades to come. Because they are so familiar, we often don’t even notice or hear them for what they truly are.

In that sense, we become our own worst enemies. The amount of hostility this inner figure is able to unleash is often greater than any external force. Its influence is especially insidious since for the most part it is hidden and operates in the shadows, making it harder to detect than an open assault from the outside.

An important note to add is that once upon a time, inner critic had a purpose, an important job to do - to keep one safe and sane. It can be seen as a survival adaption the developing psyche adopts in order to make sense of the world and their environment. A human child fully depends on their parent for their survival , and so for them to assume that something isn’t quite right with the adult in question - is a terrifying reality to face. On the other hand, fully believing that the problem indeed lies with them is less of a danger short term. Plus if they can be harsh and critical towards themselves fast enough, there is more chance to prevent punishment from the external source. As heartbreaking as it sounds, being cruel to themselves is often the only way for a child to establish some sense of control amidst the chaos and confusion.

This logic is also behind the framework in IFS (Internal Family systems) modality - and their well known slogan - ‘no bad parts’, meaning every part has good intentions at its core. While opinions on this particular truth seem to differ between various schools of thought, one thing is clear - becoming aware of and getting to intimately know your parts is essential if one is to heal the internal fragmentation.

The profound irony of the story is that the more psychologically and spiritually developed a person becomes, the more likely they are to turn the critic‘s toxicity deeper inward; the less developed, the more they tend to project it outward and aggressively attack other people. This includes online trolling.

I also suspect that what people - especially within certain New Age spiritual circles, are quick to label as “victim consciousness” is, in many cases, the inner tyrant in charge: the inner critic turning its aggression inward, victimising the vulnerable child parts within. Those inner parts then seek comfort externally, often in all the wrong places. This inner conflict is incredibly common, yet rarely recognised or addressed.

The only real antidote, of course, is self- awareness. Once we begin to see this voice for what it is, we can gradually learn to replace it with self-compassion, which is, of course, much easier said than done. I certainly feel like I’ve been playing ‘hide and seek’ with this part for many years, yet the recent events have inspired me to dig deeper, and some progress has been made as a result.

That Friday night, when the veil between the worlds was at its thinnest, despite the rain soaking my clothes and hair, I felt a quiet power and freedom rising within me - the kind that comes when a deeply ingrained pattern finally shifts. I may have lost (yet another) umbrella ☂️, but I had found self-compassion, and that is something you cannot put a price tag on.

Note: This article has been reposted for technical reasons only. You may have received the original email earlier.

Not long ago, it finally clicked what annoys me most about the proponents of spiritual bypassing, otherwise known as ‘the love and light brigade.’

For those unfamiliar with the concept , spiritual bypassing refers to using spiritual or esoteric concepts to avoid engaging in deep psychological work. These are the people who in response to someone struggling tend to say things like “Just think positive”, “You are the creator of your reality”, “You can be and do anything you want”.

In other words, “Good vibes only” - seems to be their answer to everything, regardless of the context of the situation at play.

This mindset creates a complete denial of what we actually came here to do - transformation, alchemy, growth. A process that is far from an easy one. The end goal is indeed the liberation of one’s Soul, and the embodiment of the Creator in physical form. But before that comes work - often dark, painful, and humbling.

In my view, our generation is working through lifetimes of karma - both personal and ancestral. This, I believe, is one of the reasons why mental health challenges are so prevalent today. Where previous generations managed to suppress their emotions - by working, drinking, or intellectualising their pain away - we no longer have that luxury. We must feel in order to heal, both for ourselves and for those who came before us, and who will come after us.

These are transitional times from an evolutionary perspective - we are currently standing at the crossroads of sorts, and facing one’s shadow is an essential requirement before the embodiment of the Divine can take place.

So imagine the level of wishful thinking that believes one can simply “think positive” their way through the karmic lessons of it all. Spiritual bypassers are trying to jump from A to Z, while ignoring every other letter in the alphabet.

Positive thinking is important and has its place, there is no doubt about that. But not when it is used to avoid reality, emotions, or the inner work required for real transformation.

At the same time, it is important to acknowledge that the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction in some circles. The so-called “woke” ideology is offended by everything and sees trauma everywhere, often stripping individuals of their sacred responsibility to heal. This can easily flip the dynamic on its head - with the victim becoming the very thing they are supposedly trying to fight, namely the villain, also known as the perpetrator part of the infamous Karpman’s drama triangle; and so the cycle of abuse continues.

The two ends of the spectrum described above aren’t all that different, which is normally the case with polarities, as both avoid true transformation and healing. Spiritual bypassers do so by denying the problem to begin with, the woke movement achieves it by creating ideologies that weaponise empathy, and are mainly aimed at revenge, which is very much the shadow expression of the Scorpio energy (more on that later).

We need balance. We need education and resources that teach us how to heal and thrive, not just survive. Communities at large need to be trauma-informed and aware of how unhealed pain shapes behaviour, relationships, and even collective systems. Without that awareness, true healing remains out of reach for too many - a privilege still accessible to only a few.

Having done years of my own research and inner work, I know this path is anything but straightforward. And perhaps that’s why the temptation to escape into spiritual bypassing is so strong. I’ve been there myself. Perhaps parts of me still are - which explains the annoyance I feel when exposed to it. And in some ways I have also lived the other extreme - becoming overly identified with my pain more times than I can count. Recognising both sides in myself is, I suppose, the very essence of shadow work.

Today marks the first day of Scorpio ♏️ season - the archetype of transformation itself. And I can’t help but think of how many times I’ve “died” in this lifetime, only to be reborn again.

A little-known fact is that Scorpio archetype has at least three symbolic stages: Scorpion 🦂 - the beginning of transformation and a state where shadowy dynamics still dominate consciousness, the Eagle 🦅 - an increasing clarity and self-awareness, and the Dove 🕊 - the final stage of alchemising pain into power and darkness into the light.

In another interpretation, the final stage of Scorpio’s transformation is the Phoenix, rising from its ashes - a symbol that has inspired and empowered me countless times when I struggled to find the strength to emerge from my own fires of transformation. It became so meaningful that I even chose it as the name for this publication - “The Phoenix rising”.

Perhaps both of these symbols are essential, and cannot exist without one another.

The Phoenix represents the fire of transformation we must walk through - the initiation of symbolically dying and being reborn, while the Dove embodies the peace, clarity and transcendence that comes from full integration of that fire.

May it be so.

Not long ago, it finally clicked what annoys me most about the proponents of spiritual bypassing, otherwise known as ‘the love and light brigade.’

For those unfamiliar, spiritual bypassing refers to using spiritual or esoteric concepts to avoid engaging in deep psychological work. These are the people who in response to someone struggling tend to say things like “Just think positive”, “You are the creator of your reality”, “You can be and do anything you want”.

In other words, “Good vibes only” - seems to be their answer to everything, regardless of the context of the situation at play.

This mindset creates a complete denial of what we actually came here to do - transformation, alchemy, growth. A process that is far from an easy one. The end goal is indeed the liberation of one’s Soul, and the embodiment of the Creator in physical form. But before that comes work - often dark, painful, and humbling.

In my view, our generation is working through lifetimes of karma - both personal and ancestral. This, I believe, is one of the reasons why mental health challenges are so prevalent today. Where previous generations managed to suppress their emotions - by working, drinking, or intellectualising their pain away - we no longer have that luxury. We must feel in order to heal, both for ourselves and for those who came before us, and who will come after us.

These are transitional times from an evolutionary perspective - we are currently standing at the crossroads of sorts, and facing one’s shadow is an essential requirement before the embodiment of the Divine can take place.

So imagine the level of wishful thinking that believes one can simply “think positive” their way through the karmic lessons of it all. Spiritual bypassers are trying to jump from A to Z, while ignoring every other letter in the alphabet.

Positive thinking is important and has its place, there is no doubt about that. But not when it is used to avoid reality, emotions, or the inner work required for real transformation.

At the same time, it is important to acknowledge that the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction in some circles. The so-called “woke” ideology is offended by everything and sees trauma everywhere, often stripping individuals of their sacred responsibility to heal. This can easily flip the dynamic on its head - with the victim becoming the very thing they are supposedly trying to fight, namely the villain, also known as the perpetrator part of the infamous Karpman’s drama triangle; and so the cycle of abuse continues.

The two ends of the spectrum described above aren’t all that different, which is normally the case with polarities, as both avoid true transformation and healing. Spiritual bypassers do so by denying the problem to begin with, the woke movement achieves it by creating ideologies that weaponise empathy, and are mainly aimed at revenge, which is very much the shadow expression of the Scorpio energy (more on that later).

We need balance. We need education and resources that teach us how to heal and thrive, not just survive. Communities at large need to be trauma-informed and aware of how unhealed pain shapes behaviour, relationships, and even collective systems. Without that awareness, true healing remains out of reach for too many - a privilege still accessible to only a few.

Having done years of my own research and inner work, I know this path is anything but straightforward. And perhaps that’s why the temptation to escape into spiritual bypassing is so strong. I’ve been there myself. Perhaps parts of me still are - which explains the annoyance I feel when exposed to it. And in some ways I have also lived the other extreme - becoming overly identified with my pain more times than I can count. Recognising both sides in myself is, I suppose, the very essence of shadow work.

Today marks the first day of Scorpio ♏️ season - the archetype of transformation itself. And I can’t help but think of how many times I’ve “died” in this lifetime, only to be reborn again.

A little-known fact is that Scorpio archetype has at least three symbolic stages: Scorpion 🦂 - the beginning of transformation and a state where shadowy dynamics still dominate consciousness, the Eagle 🦅 - an increasing clarity and self-awareness, and the Dove 🕊 - the final stage of alchemising pain into power and darkness into the light.

In another interpretation, the final stage of Scorpio’s transformation is the Phoenix rising from its ashes - a symbol that has inspired and empowered me countless times when I struggled to find the strength to emerge from my own fires of transformation. It became so meaningful that I even chose it as the name for this publication - “Phoenix rising”.

Perhaps both the Phoenix and the Dove symbols are essential, and cannot exist without one another.

The Phoenix represents the fire of transformation we must walk through - the initiation of symbolically dying and being reborn, while the Dove embodies the peace, clarity and transcendence that comes from full integration of that fire.

May it be so.

I went to see a play last Friday night. It was bold, moving and very funny - an evening well spent. The narrative explored the themes of freedom, politics, censorship, creative self-expression, endurance, and, at its heart - a love story.

Based on true events, the show follows a creative soul forced to flee Russia after the start of the so-called “special military operation” back in February 2022 - otherwise known as the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

The experience was beautiful to witness in all its sensory versatility - the visuals, the acting, the music, the dialogue, and the movement all flowed seamlessly, shifting the mood from deep shock and despair to that of joy and empowerment. It wasn’t just a story of the characters on stage - in many ways it was a story of all of us, humans trying to navigate life on this planet in this moment in time. I left the theatre inspired, my nervous system still buzzing for hours afterward - a sign of how deeply it touched me.

Of course, Russian blood is part of my genetic makeup, and the geographical component of the play alone was bound to stir and awaken something in me; but as I have said before, these are universal truths that reveal themselves to anyone open to receive them.

I also see parallels between the storyline and my own life - more so in an archetypal than a literal way. While I wasn’t silenced or threatened by a political authority, I grew up with a harsh, authoritarian, critical and controlling parent, who ruled by fear and punishment, and so the freedom of my self-expression among other things was tremendously limited as a result. Undoing this damage remains a work in progress, and I explored this truth deeper in my earlier Substack article “Reclaiming my voice - from shadows back into the light.”

So while the scenery and the scale differ greatly, the essence of one of the central themes that ends up serving as a catalyst for the hero’s journey, remains the same - the misuse of power.

Additionally, I, too have relocated from East to West in order to escape an abusive environment and to begin again.

Going back to last Friday evening and the elevated state I found myself in after the play - naturally, I felt inspired to share my reflections online. And as I enthusiastically posted my thoughts to the virtual world of social media, a quote by one of my favourite creators , caught my eye:

“No matter how dark and chaotic this world gets, if you are still able to generate an immense amount of love in your heart, which you can pour into people or projects you are passionate about, you are helping to win the spiritual war.”

Boom! The synchronicity, the timing of seeing her words served as a further indication and a reminder of the power and importance of creativity, especially during volatile times like the ones we find ourselves in.

Unfortunately, not only is the current global polarisation not easing; it seems to be escalating and reaching new levels. Hate and division are deafening on social media at the moment, and so encountering their antidote - inspiration, feels rare and precious. That odd oasis of creative expression, whether found in someone’s words, music, visuals, or any other form of storytelling - is what makes us human, keeps us united and connected to our true nature.

For the record, I too believe that we are in a spiritual war, one that has been escalating since the year of 2020. Unlike the military conflicts unfolding between different nations - this war between the forces of good and evil is fought through us, every single day.

This warm, autumnal evening reminded me of something important to remember during this war - that art still has the power to transcend division and awaken something real in all of us: namely the heart. Creativity, in its truest form, becomes an act of resistance against the numbness and fear trying to take over the world. It reminds us that even in the darkest times, beauty and love remain our most powerful forms of defiance.

And perhaps that is why the spark of inspiration is one of the most valuable gifts we can offer one another right now.

The other day, I finally watched “Forrest Gump”, and noticed a theme that, to my knowledge, isn’t part of the mainstream conversation about this film - namely the developmental psychology thread running through the storyline and shaping the lives of the main characters.

As the story goes, the protagonist, Forrest, had a loving and devoted mother who truly believed in him. And so despite his disabilities - both physical and mental, he achieved a remarkable success on a national level. Quite literally, against all odds. Even the substantial bullying he endured during his developmental years didn’t seem to leave lasting scars, likely because his primary attachment figure, his mother, was consistently available and supportive.

His heart also remained open to love, even though his childhood sweetheart was emotionally unavailable.

Enter Jenny - a very beautiful and brilliant girl; a motherless child, sexually abused by her father, who has spent a great deal of her short life partying, taking drugs, jumping from one abusive relationship to another, and flirting with death.

Sweet friendship with innocent Forrest was the only consistency in her life. Perhaps it was even true love, which she didn’t feel worthy of for the most part, due to her history.

While the film may not have been made with modern awareness of attachment theory, the contrast communicated on the screen hits the nail on the head.

In psychology, ‘attachment’ refers to the way our earliest relationships shape how safe, loved, and worthy we feel later in life.

Of course none of this means that one’s childhood is a life sentence, and in this day and age we certainly have more modalities than ever to gradually work through developmental trauma. However, its profound impact on all aspects of one’s life cannot be underestimated - a truth that was largely ignored in the society back in the day when this film was made, which makes this observation even more interesting.

Now let’s look at how one of the central features of the film - namely Forrest’s running plays into this. According to the popular culture, running in this case symbolises freedom, resilience, and the act of moving through life without needing to know the destination.

All of this is valid of course, but I feel there is more.

“Run, Forrest, run” - an inspirational phrase originally delivered by Jenny, to empower Forrest to run away from his childhood bullies, and to miraculously overcome his physical disability. As an adult, running made him an athlete, saved lives during the Vietnam war, helped him cope with Jenny abandoning him after their intimacy, and elevated him to a national celebrity status.

I think this communicates few things. Running is his safety net and a comfort zone in a world that can be very cruel and confusing. It is closely linked to his love Jenny, and her caring side, even when her later behaviour majorly contradicts it. Still, his running gift was born out of their connection, and so emotionally it ties him to her.

Ultimately, running is his coping mechanism for all kinds of situations, and it is no doubt a very healthy one, in a stark contrast to the self-destructive escapism patterns of Jenny. It is tragically ironic that while Jenny helped him to discover his gift, one that saved him countless times, she couldn’t do the same for herself due to her developmental deficits. And the well intentioned Forrest could only do so much to protect her, at times physically confronting her abusive partners.

Their different attachment histories have a lot to do with this contrast.

Gender roles and differences, as well as the political and social climate no doubt play into this too to a certain degree, but in this article I am focusing on the theme of attachment alone.

In a way, if his mother provided him with plenty of grounding and gave him his roots, Jenny gifted him with his wings. The former served as the foundation, upon which everything else can be built, and so the extra positive input of Jenny was able to generate momentum and resilience. All the while she kept self-sabotaging, and going back to what’s familiar - chaos, abuse, drama. Eventually the self-destruction manifested as a terminal illness.

On a positive note, as I have mentioned before - early attachment wounding isn’t a life sentence, and with the right tools and support, we can learn to be securely attached even later in life. Trouble is, none of this was even acknowledged, let alone addressed until very recently.

https://wallpapers.com/wallpapers/forrest-gump-and-jenny-curran-04dhdqctxzod81nr.html

Another profound theme explored in the Forrest Gump movie, is that of the ‘fate vs free will’ debate; and just like the main character, I too believe that in real life it is not the case of either/or, but in fact both of these forces having an influence. And the role of the secure vs insecure attachment plays into it beautifully.

One may say that what we are born into is the fate element - the box of chocolates we are handed and get to unwrap. On the other hand, the subsequent choices we make in the adulthood are the free will element, however they are heavily influenced and limited by what’s already in our box, aka the subconscious mind.

So despite what the spiritual bypassing brigade may preach, we are not the sole limitless creators of our reality at this point. Conscious mind is responsible for only 5-10 percent of our choices, behaviours etc. The rest of the time we are very much driven by the subconscious part of our psyche - the main body of the iceberg that is hidden under the water.

Forrest’s life illustrates how secure attachment and healthy coping strategies can interact with both fate and free will, enabling resilience , purpose, and the ability to thrive even in the face of adversity.

Could Jenny have made better choices despite her early conditioning and the pain that came with it? Yes and no. The way we self-soothe is often chosen subconsciously, pulled by familiar patterns, or alternatively through awareness of that pull, as well as the pain behind it, which allows us to consciously choose otherwise. But self-awareness takes immense inner work - it is a journey, rather than a destination, a journey that didn’t receive mainstream attention until relatively recently, unlike the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that have long been, and still are advertised all over the place.

So perhaps the most important choice we can make in this life - is to find ways to change our subconscious programming and heal the wounds of the past, which in turn will expand the options and flavours of the chocolates in our box.

In other words, I believe that both free will and fate are at play simultaneously - not as opposites, but as points along a spectrum, ebbing and flowing throughout our lives, continually shaping and influencing one another.

The End.

In recent weeks, a certain theme has entered my awareness, echoed in the articles I’ve read, conversations I’ve had and the memories I’ve revisited. If something makes itself known repeatedly - it must be important, as otherwise my subconscious mind wouldn’t call it to my attention. And now that the eclipse season is here, it is time to look at this information directly, understand and integrate it. In other words, it is time to write about it.

It all started with the following essay by Sean Kernan catching my attention:

Thrive by Sean Kernan

13 Signs You Used ChatGPT To Write That

As a full-time writer and editor, friends and family often ask me to look over things they wrote…

Read more

a year ago · 8987 likes · 1208 comments · Sean Kernan

As the title reveals, this article outlines 13 signs that apparently serve as a strong evidence that the writing in front of you was generated by ChatGPT. After reading this piece, I shared the following note on my Substack:

Sign number 3 is my favourite. The reason being that couple of years ago, a friend and a long term reader of my articles , pointed out something he had noticed in my writing. Namely that I tend to jump from “I” to “we” to “they” when telling a story. According to him, this inconsistency was the one thing I could improve in my writing at the time. I didn’t take his feedback on board back then - it just didn’t seem like a problem to me, and in hindsight I am kind of proud for standing my ground .

However, over the last couple of years, I’ve become more conscious of this tendency, and would occasionally wonder whether I should seek the advice of a more experienced writer on how to change the pattern, especially considering that English isn’t even my first language.

Well, guess what? This is something that AI apparently struggles with, as according to this article, it tends to write in the 2nd or 3rd person voice, but not both at the same time, AND it avoids first person voice for the most part!

Hence why, the supposedly “imperfect” voice switching is one of the ways to verify that the author is indeed a real human.

How very ironic that the thing I have almost believed was my weakness, was in fact my strength this whole time.

That note landed well with my audience , which has only strengthened my belief that there is nothing wrong with this style of writing - it is welcomed and celebrated. Being unapologetically myself is welcomed and celebrated. This realisation is particularly important for people who grew up in environments where their voice was chronically silenced.

P.S. I am not against AI, and I see the value of using ChatGPT as a tool for certain tasks. However, I believe there is a huge difference between it acting as an assistant in the process of the creative writing , and it being a sole creator. And apparently there is a lot of the latter phenomenon out there, a trend that in my opinion is detrimental to humanity in the long run.

The next thing that happened was that the lovely nominated me to share three facts about myself. For the purpose of this article, the third fact is the most relevant , but I’ve included a link to the full note below if you would like to read it:

As I write these words, I am becoming aware of a beautiful synchronicity forming around the number 3 - which, in the world of numerology, is closely linked to creativity, self-expression and communication. I also remember that my life path number is 3. All of this serves as further evidence that this conversation is indeed carrying a potent truth.

Returning to fact number 3 , it relates to my Philosophy studies at university , a decade or so ago, and more importantly, to how they opened the door for my writing gift to emerge - or perhaps more accurately, to make a comeback. While I was already good at writing in childhood, somewhere around my teenage years, whether consciously or not, I completely suppressed this side of me and forgot about its existence altogether. I suspect that what happened is this: as my soul/spirit aspect became increasingly dissociated from my body as a result of trauma accumulating in my system, it also split into different fragments, exiling some of them. Parts such as my inner power, my boundaries, my voice and creativity were not only deemed non-essential for survival, but were also perceived as threatening - and so they became dormant.

So imagine my surprise when this very creative and vocal part of me suddenly made its presence known during my Philosophy studies. I became aware of something very interesting: while writing essays on certain topics, in a very logical way (what they call constructing an argument) , I experienced what I now know to be a flash of inspiration. The state in which words began to flow effortlessly, and not from my rational mind either, but as if a force of some kind was working through me. Needless to say, in those moments I didn’t exactly follow the script, aka the essay’s questions. I went off elsewhere, yet it felt so very expansive and liberating , I suddenly didn’t care what grade I will get. Slowly, I was getting in touch with my creativity, and my wings were beginning to grow back.

Naturally, I was excited about this new development, and yet I didn’t fully connect the dots about what it all meant - that’s how disconnected from my essence, and unsure of my truth I was. It wasn’t until a couple of years later, during eclipse season , that a powerful dream delivered a clear message of my path being connected to writing. This dream was unlike any I had experienced before (or since), and all these years later, I still remember it vividly. But since the push towards writing was only one element of it, and to split it into parts wouldn’t do it justice, I won’t describe the dream here. It truly deserves an article of its own!

So, I took a first step and published my first article online. While it was only seen by friends and acquaintances, the feedback was very positive, giving me more confidence to continue.

However, there was one incident back then that fed my feelings of inadequacy, and illustrated a dynamic I still struggle with at times. Just as I was beginning to realise my gift and find my voice after years of not being aware of either, I had a conversation with someone I perceived as knowledgeable and wise.

As a side note - this tendency to trust the opinions of others above our own is another major block to the creative flow. The less we trust ourselves, the more disconnected from our True Selves - the less likely the creative juices will flow.

During the conversation with this perceived authority about what I wanted to do with my life, I shared that I loved to write, or something along those lines. She replied:

“ok, but write about what? What is your expertise in?”

I froze, suddenly feeling small and powerless. Looking back, this was a textbook imposter syndrome question, and it mirrored my own doubts and inner criticism of course.

Which brings me to my next point: the theme I am exploring in this piece doesn’t exactly leave my awareness, not fully anyway. It lingers, always partially present in the back of my mind. The trouble is, for the most part it is occupied by a figure of the inner critic, whose voice dominates the conversation - or rather a monologue.

Interestingly, its tune keeps changing, in a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ kinda fashion. Let me explain.

The voice I am a lot more aware of recently, isn’t the one telling me that what I have to offer isn’t valuable, on the contrary- it is beating me up for not showing up. The following tapes are played on repeat:

“Why aren’t you writing more? You clearly have a gift. Why are you wasting your time and potential? By this age you should have written multiple books. You haven’t achieved anything. You are so lazy.”

Lovely. But hey, at least he acknowledges I have a gift - that counts for something. Other than that, his words paralyse me; then the shame and fear kick in, sending my nervous system into a frenzy. Needless to say, writing is the last thing on my mind in those states. By the time I manage to get my body out of the fight-or-flight response and back into safety , I am exhausted - hardly the frame of mind that inspires creativity.

Luckily, the more loving parts of me know very well that laziness is not what some people (or my inner critic) think it is. The same goes for procrastination. These are coping mechanisms - ones that once served a purpose, hence are there for a reason. They are totally maladaptive by now, since more often than not they prevent us from following our passions. However, it is the subconscious mind that is truly in charge of our behaviours and choices , and its waters are deep and powerful. It also has no concept of time. Something, or more likely someone had provoked this pattern repeatedly in the past, and one way or another it helped me to survive, or/and make sense of my reality at the time. Since survival is valued above all by the subconscious, anything it perceives as unsafe based on long term evidence - must be avoided. The conscious mind has far less power to counteract this force, unless we make it a practice - to intentionally work through those deeply embedded subconscious blockages, and gradually free ourselves.

This time, however, this subject has found a way into my psyche while bypassing the inner critic at last. And it becomes clear that this is definitely not as simple as his judgemental voice would have me believe - writing versus not writing, passive vs active - essentially it is about the substance of it all- my voice. Having it, losing it, finding it, and now increasingly feeling the need to develop it fully, is what has brought Substack and its lovely, supportive community into my life.

Of course, the actual act of writing is an essential component of developing that voice, so there is no way around it.

In her article “Critique vs Critisism” makes a point, that I feel is essential to this conversation:

“In 1976, Joan Didion said she doesn’t know what she thinks until she writes it. She wrote that in an essay titled “Why I Write.” She wasn’t the first or last to express that sentiment. E. M. Forster said it in 1927, Flannery O’Connor in 1979. Faulkner, Mailer, even Stephen King have all expressed the same idea. That writing is thinking.”

I have certainly experienced what those historical figures describe , and this truth flips the dismissive question I was asked years ago, on its head. It is the craft of writing itself that reveals to me what truly needs to be said. And yet, in my opinion , writing involves more than thinking alone - inspiration is a significant force at play, and I believe it is intimately linked to our higher aspects, beyond the thinking mind. The word itself gives it away really, there is ‘spirit’ in inspiration.

Once this force strikes, the act of writing often happens almost effortlessly - it simply flows through one’s fingers as if by itself. It is the blockages in the way of that flow (otherwise known as the writer’s block) that seem to apply the brakes to the creative process.

At the same time, inspiration does not always arrive uninvited , sometimes it shows up later, after you’ve already sat down and began to write. This kind may feel quieter, but it is still valuable. In fact, if I had waited for the first kind to appear, I probably wouldn’t have published anything at all on Substack.

So the question becomes: how do we open the gate? The inner critic, at least in my case, has failed miserably at this task.

Looking back at my so called friend’s question, it probably came from her own limitations. And here we meet a very common distortion that many still wholeheartedly believe in. That in order to give something of value to the world, you must first be formally qualified. This is typical left-brain thinking , responsible for the structure, order, logic. All of that has its place, of course, but without the right brain’s creativity, intuition and empathy, what is created can feel like a dead world - form without life.

I am not excluding the intellect or the education from the picture, I am just saying there is more to us, especially when we are in the creator’s mode. After all, it is the balance of the two, the marriage of the left and the right brain hemispheres that produces the magic in our lives . These can also be seen as the masculine and the feminine energies within us all, regardless of gender. Structure ensures that form takes shape, but without the essence and flow, the form remains empty. It needs the content, the energy, the magic. A good analogy is the river. The water is the feminine , but the riverbanks that guide flow in a certain direction, as opposed to spilling all over the land, are the masculine aspects.

And so, this is what the journey of reclaiming my voice feels like- not forcing or silencing, but allowing the creative river to flow on its own time, supported by the banks of structure, yet free to express itself as it pleases.

For years, decades even , parts of me were buried in the shadows - silenced by trauma, paralysed by the inner critic, and kept dormant by old survival patterns. But just as the number 3 keeps reappearing to remind me of the power of creativity and self-expression, so too does my voice keep returning. Every time I make an effort, no matter how small, to write and speak my truth, I am honouring this part of me and allowing it to grow stronger.

After all, the eclipse can only hide the light for a moment, and the voice, once reclaimed - is here to stay.

Hello there my dear friend, today is our birthday, and so I thought I’d write you a letter. I have some explaining to do, and you deserve a lot more credit than I have been giving you up until now , so this is my way of celebrating you, acknowledging all you do for me on a daily basis, and reflecting on our time together so far.

First of all, I am sorry. For not being there a lot of the time, for abandoning you countless times , for not listening , for being avoidant. For taking your abilities for granted, yet seeing your pain as a hindrance. A hindrance as opposed to a message that there is an unmet need, an unprocessed emotion, an inner conflict, a lesson for me.

I am sorry for cutting you off and living in my head, especially when under stress - thinking I am safer there. This was a coping mechanism I have adopted a very long time ago, when my world felt largely unsafe. And I saw your reactions , the natural reactions that were aimed to protect me - as abnormal and scary. Nobody has taught me back then that these responses are normal, sensitivity to one’s environment is normal, feeling overwhelmed, flooded with the stress hormones when one doesn’t feel safe is normal. As a result I got the message that something is wrong with you, with us. I couldn’t make sense of any of it, despite knowing so much in general, and being a bookworm for most of my childhood.

Now it is so obvious to me that even this tendency to read nearly every waking hour of the day, was also a coping mechanism, an attempt to self-soothe, to self-regulate , to distract, to avoid feeling, to escape and to abandon you as a result.

As I became an adult, other self- medicating strategies became “cooler” to partake in. Strategies that were more harmful to you compared to me simply disassociating and losing myself in books. You didn’t object, you were always my most loyal and patient companion, who stood by me no matter what. But when you have suffered significantly the day after, I blamed you for being unable to party, aka get intoxicated and feel “fine” the next day, unlike so many other individuals out there.

I didn’t honour your sensitivity, and saw it as a weakness as opposed to a strength that it really is. Of course, this narrative of devaluing sensitivity (and other feminine qualities of a human being) has been perpetuated in the society for a very long time - I simply absorbed the beliefs of the culture I grew up in.

In a similar way I have absorbed a distorted attitude towards the female body , namely its beauty being a commodity; so much so that I ended up working as a model. Which means that I have relied on your beauty my friend , in order to make a living, yet didn’t even appreciate that aspect of you. There was always someone skinnier, taller, prettier in the modelling industry, and I would compare you to them, not seeing just how amazing you really are. Numerous compliments didn’t land, going in through one ear, and out the other, but a single criticism was enough for me to turn against you.

In hindsight , the modelling job proved to be a real double edged sword, as while no doubt it gave a lot of validation to my inner child - a girl, who never believed that she was beautiful and worthy (since female worth in our culture seems to be closely linked to physical appearance), and has felt like an ugly duckling throughout the school years; it also came with a price of additional insecurities as a result of frequently being up against and compared to other women who “won the genetic lottery’” ( quoted words of Cameron Russell from her famous Ted talk “Looks aren’t everything. Believe me , I am a model.”)

You see, this industry has a significant objectifying aspect, there is no way to escape it really - one is inevitably judged on the basis of their appearance, and oftentimes very unrealistic standards. And while we have certainly dodged a bullet by not being tall and skinny enough for the high fashion side of things, and as a result have landed to the commercial division of the industry, which meant that I didn’t have to starve and put you through more unnecessary stress and pain, we still had to deal with tons of rejection due to not having the right look for what some clients needed - again, there is no way around it in this industry. And while the mind can learn not to take these things personally, you - the body , the feeling part of me, would certainly experience the pain of inadequacy. After all, as the bestselling book’s title goes - the body keeps the score.

There was plenty of good stuff too of course, otherwise we wouldn’t have stayed for as long as we did. We did get to meet and work with some great and talented people, as well as some less than great ones. Certainly, both the light and the shadow manifestations were at play in this long chapter of our journey.

We also got to travel as part of the job - Greece, Spain, Germany, USA, Egypt, Turkey, South Africa, India to name a few. Living in various countries and exploring different cultures was a real adventure, filled with experiences and memories that will last a lifetime. Perhaps this was one of my favourite elements of the profession.

At the same time, despite the expansion of my horizons, I still didn’t quite feel safe in my body, and still knew very little about how the nervous system works and what it needs. The only thing that I did know is that apparently my one was “weak”. After all, I have been told so by those who had the authority and supposedly knew better.

Oh well, yet another reason to hold it against you for malfunctioning and not being at your best.

Only years later, after researching this subject in depth, and speaking to multiple experts , it became obvious to me that there is no such thing as a “weak” nervous system. There is however something called ‘a narrow window of tolerance’ of the nervous system, which is a natural consequence of childhood adversity and a lack of secure attachment. In other words - given the circumstances in which it was wired, my nervous system worked just fine, and tried its best to protect me. There was NEVER anything wrong with you, my dear body, despite what the conditioning will make you believe. Now it is my job to learn how to regulate your survival responses, and make you feel safe… my friend.

I have been diving deeper into the nervous system work recently, and learning the intricacies of its language , in the hope to communicate and connect with you more consistently , without escaping to my thinking mind.

It is far from easy - old habits die hard. Especially in the digital age, where the addiction to screens is making us all more disembodied. Luckily, there is also a lot more awareness of the somatic component of healing arts trending online , and so I get frequent reminders to return home to you.

I have realised by now that the dynamic of disconnecting from one’s body, is a two way street, as well as a catch 22 situation. One does so in order to have more safety and avoid feeling the uncomfortable sensations, a move that is a brilliant adaptation in childhood, although it does split the developing personality in multiple fragments (parts). In the adulthood however, the numbing effect is temporary , and if anything- one’s absence in their somatic self for the extended periods of time, creates even more unsafety for the system - as it registers the chronic disconnection as a threat, which leads to more anxiety down the line.

It’s as if the king would abandon their castle right when it needed his protection from the enemies , taking the walls ( or in this case the boundaries) with him. Of course in case of trauma history, the enemies are oftentimes perceived, rather than real, based on the past experiences. But the nervous system cannot distinguish between the two, which is why it needs someone to “be home” and guide it to regulation.

I am currently working on toning my vagus nerve in order to improve its function, and you, the body seem to love it. I thought you would, as this increases the heart brain coherence, essentially reconnecting the brain and the heart, and healing their relationship.

I haven’t told you this enough, but you are absolutely incredible and fascinating, of course you are - you were created by God. Even your adaptations to trauma are brilliant , even if outdated by now.

I am simply in awe when I try to comprehend your complexity - the amount of processes that happen simultaneously in you to keep me warm, nourished, rested and protected. The innate intelligence at play in you is truly astonishing, the breath alone is such a simple, yet powerful mechanism that I do my best to remember to utilise when in a fight and flight response.

With each passing day I feel more and more that I am in the driver’s seat, and at the same time that we work together as a team, building a relationship that is based on trust. I will do my best to not betray you ever again. Ironically the more willing I am to just be there with you, to feel it all during the emotionally dysregulated states, the less overwhelming they become.

And as I am posting this article on our birthday, I want to thank you for everything you are doing for me. You are absolutely incredible, and I couldn’t ask for a better companion in this journey of life. Happy birthday! 🫶🏼

Couple of months ago, when I first landed on Substack - just like it so often happens in a new relationship, I was completely infatuated. As a result I have idealised this place incessantly - seeing it as a magical island of utopia in the world, that is increasingly resembling a dystopian reality of the books and shows we have all enjoyed once upon a time. Back when they were still works of fiction that is.

The notes I have shared back then reflect this impression, and are beautiful in their naivety.

Don’t get me wrong, Substack is an incredible platform, full of talented, soulful people, and relationally speaking it is a safe haven for a creative person, especially compared to the rest of social media out there. 99% of people I have interacted with on here are kind and caring, they think deeply and engage meaningfully.

In other words, not all of my early impressions were merely projections, far from it - this place is very special, and I feel grateful to be here.

At the same time, by now it has become obvious that Substack is not the utopia, the paradise on Earth kind of place I have perceived it to be at first, and honestly - that is a good thing. It is far better to see things clearly, as opposed to live under the ‘ignorance is a bliss’ slogan. I am all for transparency, even if it hurts, and so I’d rather know the truth, than live in a bubble of the illusion.

Hence why, what has transpired since, was an important learning curve, and an exercise of seeing the nuance in life, as opposed to perceiving things as ‘all good’ or ‘all bad’, which is usually a sign of projection.

Was I disappointed that once again less than honourable manifestations of human nature made their way into the place where so many pour their hearts and souls into their writing? Absolutely. But this discomfort has also reminded me of the important truth - this planet is full of contrast, one where different people are at the different stages of the development, and while Substack no doubt has a high concentration of evolved human beings - those possessing a strong moral compass and integrity, that is not the full picture, and I am better off remembering this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first thing that came as a shock to my system, was the issue of plagiarism being not only present, but also seemingly rewarded on the platform. Turns out - one of the top writers, trending as number 1 in the bestsellers category at the time, apparently was stealing other people’s work and publishing it as her own. As well as charging money for at least some of it.

I too was subscribed to her, simultaneously feeling impressed by the depth of her writing considering her young age and aesthetically pleasing appearance, as well as having second thoughts of something not being quite right there. But since my own intellect hasn’t been taken seriously in the past, due to me looking a certain way, and the modelling work I have done - I have pushed past those thoughts , convinced that they are simply the fruits of certain misogynistic stereotypes deeply rooted in our culture. Stereotypes that clearly no one is fully immune to, even if they themselves have been pigeonholed by them on numerous occasions , like it was the case with me.

In the retrospect, I think the young age (early twenties) was more telling , as while wisdom isn’t always dependent on age, there is a certain depth that tends to come as a result of it. But one’s looks and one’s age are still linked to some degree, so not as easy to separate at the first impression.

Looking back, I probably wasn’t guided by these stereotypes alone, my intuition must have picked up on something being off, but since I am still learning how to trust it, I ignored its voice and subscribed to this girl’s page.

Below I attach an article that has eventually opened my eyes to what is going on, by the author Katie Jgln, who has had the misfortune of being plagiarised by this person in the past:

The Noösphere

Mama, There’s a Plagiarist Behind You

Around a year ago, I opened the TikTok app and was served a video of Maalvika discussing an essay she’d just published. ‘It’s my most well-researched Substack,’ she announced proudly…

Read more

10 months ago · 4972 likes · 569 comments · Katie Jgln

This essay was read by a lot of people and has naturally caused a backlash, with many people proceeding to report the page of the alleged plagiarist. It doesn’t seem like Substack did anything about it as of yet, but it has led to the writer in question to place all of her posts behind the paywall.

I have since seen some articles that were criticising the ‘mob’s reaction of attacking this young woman, comparing it to a witch-hunt of sorts, all the while we don’t actually have the hard evidence that she plagiarised more than one writer’s work. I personally haven’t seen people resorting to personal attacks. The only thing that I have seen that remotely resembled those claims, was an article regarding the reasons why so many fell for the lies in the first place. Apparently it is due to her ‘desirability’, aka being attractive and glamorous looking - this whole ‘pretty privilege’ ideology, that seems to be backed by some research.

This explanation didn’t resonate with me at all though - as I have said before, my personal experience is the exact opposite - beauty can oftentimes distract people from the message you are sharing with them. So much so that even I (not proud to admit) have experienced a mild cognitive dissonance at first, struggling to unite in my mind her looking very pretty, while writing such deep, eloquent pieces. I proceeded to share my thoughts and personal experiences in the comments below, and author’s response was interesting to say the least. Apparently the data doesn’t agree with me and what I have experienced is a result of misogyny not beauty. Then she proceeded to hide her article behind a paywall too. Erm, okay - whatever happened to exploring the nuance in a discussion. I personally think both of those mirror attitudes are misogynistic - one where someone is taken more seriously as a result of the way they look, as well as them being taken less seriously for that very same reason.

Either way, now that the dust of the shock has settled a bit, I see this story as an important initiation when it comes to writing and truly developing one’s voice. It is only natural to feel fear and anger when faced with this kind of information, and to feel like withdrawing and not putting any of your work out there. But the discouragement that I have felt as a result of witnessing the shadow expressions such as this one, was perhaps testing me on some level.

I sincerely hope that Substack is looking into this, and there is an investigation. Since everyone is talking about it - at the very least the accountability is demanded, which could be seen as a progress of sorts.

The second inconvenient truth I learned had to do with AI. Not the fact that it is used by some writers as a tool (I am not that naive), but that apparently it is used heavily by some of the top ‘creative’ writers on Substack - those with paid content and thousands of subscribers, who clearly appreciate what they read if they are willing to pay for it.

The latter was a lot more disturbing to realise, yet in the retrospect not all that surprising. The society at large has never valued depth and vulnerability, surface level information is far more popular than true wisdom, and few can tell the difference between the two. It simply got more exacerbated with the arrival of the AI.

The trouble is, at first ( in my idealising stage) I have perceived Substack’s community as being above all that, and so it took me by surprise.

As a side note - I am not against the AI, it can be an incredible tool, and I do use it for certain purposes - if I need to quickly look up a summary of some historical event for example. It is great for the factual answers amongst other things, but creative writing is a very different territory.

This second insight came as a result of reading a very well written article by Linda Carroll (linked below), where she lists the statistics backing her claims of the AI prevalence on Substack, as well as expresses her views on the subject matter:

Hello, Writer!

A Blunt Conversation About AI Writing

Last week Substack said that in a survey of over 2,000 Substackers, 45.4% said they’re using AI. Within writing communities, for and against AI has become a topic of contention and I want to talk about the reality of AI writing…

Read more

10 months ago · 682 likes · 414 comments · Linda Caroll

And the following piece by Will Storr further elaborates on things, as well as advising the organic authors on how to persevere in this climate:

You Are a Story with Will Storr

Scamming Substack?

Welcome to You Are a Story, where I write about the many blessings and curses of being ‘homo narrans’, the storytelling animal. I explore ways to live better lives and write better stories, via memoir and insights from neuroscience and psychology. Please consider joining our community…

Read more

a year ago · 1296 likes · 225 comments · Will Storr

Both of those authors have made many good points, and I recommend reading their essays. For me personally, the main take away, in my own interpretation is this: We (human writers) do not have to compare ourselves to , or compete with the AI generated writing, because those two approaches are very different, and so are their target audiences. (I was about to add that our reasons for writing are different too, but that is only partially true. While we certainly create in order to let our soul speak its truth, that should not exclude the financial compensation, which I imagine is the main, if not the only reason for the AI writer’s activity.)

Hence why , not only shouldn’t we get discouraged, quite the opposite is true - seeing where things are headed , chances are - in the nearest future the real writers will become a rare breed, which is even more reason to develop your own voice as opposed to giving up.

I don’t want to sound pessimistic, and it remains to be seen, but it is very likely that this over reliance on the AI when it comes to writing - is yet another new trend that in time will very likely contribute to the dumbing down of the humanity; self- expression , the ability to construct a sentence is part of being a human, outsourcing these things to a machine long term, means not using one’s own cognitive functions , so who is to say that it won’t cause them to atrophy to a degree? So many people already are suffering with a short attention span as a result of the excess exposure to social media quick dopamine hits kind of content, which is hardly a positive development.

At the same time I can see why it could be tempting for some to go down that route. AI has got the intellect that works much faster than that of a human. It can objectively speak on any subject, without getting sidelined due to an emotion. Its concentration won’t be affected after a sleepless night, or by low blood sugar levels as a result of being hungry. It won’t need to process a painful experience to a certain degree before it can show up and talk about it. It doesn’t have a nervous system, so it cannot get dysregulated and overwhelmed as a result of the adverse childhood experiences piled up with the daily stresses living in a modern society. And this is simultaneously why we cannot compete with it productivity wise, AND why its writing can never replace ours. AI hasn’t had (and will never do) the human experience, it simply copies and pastes the experiences of abstract people on the Internet. The words might have the information, but they do not have the energy, the frequency which can come only from the embodied knowing.

The fact that this is enough for some , is simply a reminder that different people need different things on their journeys and that’s ok. Let’s not forget that for a very long time a significant portion of the human race was coping by avoidance, and this legacy of the emotionally repressed culture isn’t going to change overnight. AI generated content is a lot easier to process, there is no real transformation occurring as a result of being exposed to it, it’s a fast food kind of writing, even if packaged nicely.

On the other hand, when we humans write authentically , we hold a mirror for others - an invitation to stop ignoring the voice of their own soul. Perhaps those who have made AI into an oracle, as opposed to simply a tool, are not ready to fully meet themselves yet.

Will Storr in his essay I shared earlier in this article, refers to AI writing style as a ‘Gruel’ - a term I had to look up (ironically by asking the AI to inform me of its meaning- further evidence that I am not against it); turns out - it is a basic, thin kind of porridge, the least nourishing kind of food, yet easy to digest, echoing the points I have made earlier.

Below I will quote his words, that in my opinion are at the heart of what I too am trying to say :

“Gruel doesn’t talk like a real person talks, but like a hammy actor doing ‘wise poetess on the mountaintop’. Whilst saying little about itself, it declaims grandly upon the human condition. There is a white-noise generality to its insights, an uncanny vagueness that makes the mind glaze over. It is never funny. There are no surprises, true confessions or controversial moments. It is a description of the human average.

Good memoir writing from actual people with blood and brains and hearts tends to move from the highly individual to the universal. Gruel struggles with the individual.”

He also makes a point that Gruel ‘hates to offend’, so its writing will be people- pleasing so to speak. I believe that in certain situations this is a good thing - emotional validation is important in theraupetic setting for example, which is why I am not even totally against people turning to the AI chat bots for emotional support in the event of not having access to any other resources.

However, when it comes to creative writing, this vanilla taste creates an obstacle in the way of the process of what the archetype of this craft even stands for. Namely the inner heroe’s journey one has to embark on, for their true voice in all its colours to emerge. Naturally it will ruffle some feathers along the way.

Even before I read Will’s article and connected certain dots, I have observed a similar phenomenon with my own work. When I have kept my process just at the edge of the personal and the universal , it was a much safer territory, welcomed with the open arms by everyone who read it. But once I have landed on Substack, and felt a lot safer, as well as more bold and empowered as a result of seeing other people’s work, and have subsequently stepped into a more raw, personal territory with my words - couple of my long term loyal readers in the real life circle, suddenly couldn’t stomach it anymore, albeit those active on my Substack, appreciated it of course. And while it did sting, especially considering the fact that at the heart of that piece was an exploration of a limiting belief of being ‘too much and not enough’ at the same time, (and evidently me talking about it proved to be too much for some), that too was a valuable reminder to try and not take things personally.

Now regarding the ethics of it all. It is clear by now that the high numbers of subscribers are not always indicative of the high quality of the content - a lot of the time they seem to reflect how much one’s work is valued by the algorithm.

Both in case of the AI creators, as well as the plagiarising creators- the productivity will obviously be much higher compared to that of the authentic, organic creators. It is simply a case of copy and paste, as opposed to going on a journey of a creative process that is the essence of the writing craft.

Does that mean that one of the things Substack’s algorithm rewards is high productivity, just like it is the case with Instagram? I don’t know for certain the answer to this question, but to me personally that is perhaps the one thing that is hard to reframe and see as a positive in all this. The fact that good quality work (which naturally takes time) gets buried amongst the noise of a fast moving conveyor belt. On Instagram - a platform which is mainly visual, that makes sense, but when it comes to creativity, reflection and deep thinking, the spirit of the competition is a lot less appropriate.

At the same time, as I have mentioned before - our work is not for everyone, and the right people will find it regardless of what is favoured by the algorithm at any given moment.

I would love to know what everyone’s thoughts are on all that in the comments.

I began writing this piece in general terms, describing how a certain paradox is probably very familiar to a lot of women who embark on a healing journey. The internalised message, turned a limiting belief - that somehow, they are simultaneously too much and not enough.

And so I spoke about the emotions being the scapegoats of our society, and them being demonised for so long, that by now no one even remembers what started it. Emotions, especially the negative ones tend to be labelled as ‘too much’, as well as controlled, suppressed and hidden at all costs. The intellect, the reason must rule at all times. And while obviously both genders partake in the emotional expression, generally speaking it is stronger in women.

I theorised that perhaps all things feminine have been seen as potentially dangerous, since a distant day back in history, when certain men in power at the heart of the Catholic church deemed women the devil, the one thing that got us all in trouble since Eve has touched that apple in the garden of Eden, the event after which the whole of humanity fell into sin. A very convenient ideology to justify the cruelty , and a narrative which no doubt has served as the inspiration behind the infamous witch hunts. I imagine the women accused of witchcraft were probably ‘too much’ by the agreed upon standards of those times.

I then reflected upon the message of not being enough having a slightly different quality, but with a similar agenda of keeping one small and powerless. After all, if women believe they are not enough as they are, it is very likely that they will spend their whole lives, as well as a great deal of energy and other resources trying to improve and become worthy, which in this day and age is extremely profitable for certain industries.

It is a losing game though, as a lot of the time, the very criteria by which women are measured and manipulated into feeling less than, by its nature are fluctuating. The feminine is water, it ebbs and flows and is not meant to stay the same in every season of her month, let alone her lifetime. So the expectations around a certain female body image for example , aren’t just unreasonable, they’re anti feminine.

Alas, all of this is valid of course. And yet a lengthy reflection on the lives of abstract women, says little about my personal experiences and feelings associated with them. Indeed, the above mentioned issues are applicable to me as a result of being born a woman, but they are collective before they are individual. That doesn’t mean they are not important of course, but it does mean that by sticking to them in my writing, I avoid vulnerability. Chances are, other women will relate to my words, but my inner truth won’t get a chance to speak.

For better or worse, I tend to get stuck in a pattern of tiptoeing around what it is like to be me. And in doing so, I too place the intellect above feelings , the very thing I am oftentimes emphasising as part of the imbalance between the Yin and the Yang on this planet. It is a protective mechanism, there is no doubt about that. And there are also clear parallels between this pattern and the subject of this article. Let me explain.

I grew up believing that a)how I felt wasn’t important b)something was wrong with how I felt. And so I had to deal with it myself, as opposed to bother others. The outside message was (and at times still is) clear - the pathology lies with me, not with the environments and circumstances I have found myself in.

Knowing what I know now, it is obvious that children who grow into adults who then get diagnosed with CPTSD down the line - develop their symptoms as an adaptation to relationally unsafe environments, filled with abuse and neglect - sometimes on a daily basis. Nervous system simply adapts the way it is supposed to, in order to protect one from further harm. Therefore the diagnosis reveals what was once wrong with one’s surroundings , not what is wrong with the individual. In fact, it is a testament to the resilience of the person in question.

Of course as a child I didn’t know any of this, and so ended up believing multiple lies, such as me having a ‘weak nervous system’ and ‘faulty genetics’ inherited from my father’s side, according to my mum, as well as other disempowering narratives. Looking back with the adult eyes , it is so crystal clear that there was never anything wrong with me - I was a highly sensitive child with the chronically unmet emotional needs. Naturally I have experienced severe distress at times.

I also believe that people who are born more sensitive, and as a result get misunderstood and labelled throughout their lives as ‘weak’, in fact do a big favour to the rest of the world, a favour which is rarely acknowledged. When balanced, they serve as a sort of a feedback mechanism, a thermometer that reflects back on how favourable certain conditions are to the health of a human being. Just because other people cannot feel something, doesn’t mean it is not harming them long term, and won’t manifest down the line as this or that issue. The discomfort that is felt by a sensitive person, a lot of the time is revealing what is not healthy for the human spirit. Which flips the whole question of ‘too much’ and ‘too little’ on its head.

And while trauma no doubt makes one’s skin even thinner, chances are - these individuals are the ones who will engage in a sincere inner work and healing, and will try to find the answers for themselves and others on this journey. Closing one’s heart permanently is simply not an option.

However, that is not the way the rest of the world sees it (not yet anyway), and so deep was the above mentioned conditioning, that the younger part of me believes to this day that I tend to overreact to things, and it is a work in progress to reassure her otherwise. To let her know that even if something is simply a trigger, her emotions are still valid, and I won’t abandon her for experiencing them. She also believes that ultimately no one else (except me) has time or desire to listen and care about how she feels. Not to mention that those beliefs are mirrored back to her on a daily basis, as once you are an adult, you are supposed to be a fully balanced and self-sufficient individual, who doesn’t need anyone else. (I doubt that many people actually are that way, but they sure do a good job of pretending.) Either way, for the most part, other people are indeed too busy to deal with the distress of others on top of their own; apart for the therapist of course - a person who is paid to do just that.

Except that this dynamic was always the case for me, minus the therapist. One of the patterns that helped me to survive my childhood, was walking on the eggshells, in order not to provoke my mother’s rage; and so my own emotions took a back-sit, expressing them wouldn’t have kept me safe , suppressing them was a way to go.

Hence why it is hardly surprising that the emotional dysregulation (the bit which may appear ‘too much’ to some ) is part of the picture for me in the current reality, and I am still learning how to self-soothe. We first learn this skill with another human, a safe adult, ideally a parent , so it is always a co-regulation before it can become self-regulation. That is how the Nature had intended it to be anyway, but in the modern society countless things are unnatural and full of reversals of the Natural order of things, and so instead I had to manage the emotions of the adults in my life.

Additionally, we are meant to live in the communities, not each man for themselves like it is a lot of the time for a modern human, and the expression “it takes a village to raise a child” is absolutely spot on, yet is conveniently ignored by the modern Western society. The amount of isolation I experienced early on has no doubt made me appreciate books, but it was hardly natural and healthy.

However, before I learned how to suppress and dissociate from my feelings, there was an event that further illustrates the truth of the matter discussed.

The story took place back in the kindergarten days - I must have been around four or five years old. This was the time when the Soviet Union was disintegrating, and the Russian speaking population of my home country Latvia has felt nervous in the anticipation of what’s to come. Including my mother, who has relocated there from Siberia two decades prior. As a side note, I actually carry a mix of four different nationalities in my blood (all Soviet block based), but since the Latvian part belonged to the absent father, I only spoke Russian at home; it was my mother’s language literally and figuratively.

The uncertain future of the country on the brink of its separation from the USSR and its road to independence, meant the increasing importance of becoming fluent in the native language. And so the decision was made for me to attend the Latvian kindergarten in order to learn the language and otherwise assimilate the culture.

Except it didn’t work, for better or worse the experiment has failed, due to other children instantly perceiving me as a threat of some kind, and no one wanting to be my friend. Not at first anyway. But that initial experience was more than enough to cause a significant distress to my system. I remember feeling a very intense cocktail of overwhelming emotions such as rejection, humiliation, shame and fear. I can name them now of course, back then it just felt like the end of the world, and in hindsight I can totally see why it would be so. Even for an adult psyche it is quite stressful to be excluded from the group, so it makes perfect sense that for a developing one, without a secure attachment to a primary caretaker (the building block which serves as the foundation of the nervous system regulation), it is nothing short of devastating.

And yet, I got the message that I was overreacting, after all other kids were so calm in their indifference, and then there was me - having an emotional meltdown and refusing to go back to that place.

I had to go back there though , and somehow make it work in the unfriendly environment, where I was perceived as an alien. It is a bit of a blur after that point, I must have adapted to a degree as I did spend some time in that kindergarten, but as soon as I turned 6, I was sent to a Russian speaking school. I suspect this means I was still distressed by that environment, even if less than before.

Right there, in this story is the “too much and not enough” in one serving. ‘Not enough’ to be accepted by the group , and ‘too much’ for having an appropriate emotional reaction as a result. And that’s just one example. Yet it illustrates the point that this contradictory message is never really about us, who get labelled so, and always about some sort of dysfunction in the society. After all, kids exhibiting nationalistic and patriotic tendencies as early as the kindergarten is a symptom of a bigger problem. At such a young age children are meant to be still connected to their soul, and so the man made discriminations shouldn’t apply. And while I still struggle to fully make sense of this story to this day, the most likely explanation is that they must have absorbed these attitudes of “us against them” from the adults - their parents. Latvia has been occupied by Russia on more than one occasion throughout the history , and those of purely Latvian blood must have grown resentful of it by the time I was born. So regardless of the fact that I had equal amounts of these two nationalities in me, I was still a Russian speaking kid in the Latvian speaking environment, which made me different, as well as the prime candidate for the role of an outsider.

Fast forward to today and I have a question. Who is this mystery figure measuring what is too much, what is too little, and what is a perfect amount? Where is this measuring tape, or a scale that decides what is the appropriate amount of things? The very term ‘self-esteem’ contains in itself the root of the word ‘estimate’ , and it appears that when it comes to girls and women, that estimation seems to be coming from the external voices. Which is absurd of course, as everyone will have a different opinion, based on their limited worldview.

I prefer the term “self-worth”, it’s an innate quality, of being worthy by default, simply as a result of being born. Belonging to humanity and divinity simultaneously, in which case all the silly man made labels of too little and too much don’t make any sense.

It is easier said than done of course, as the subconscious limiting beliefs we have picked up along the way, take time and a significant effort to uproot and replace.

Going back to my linguistic endeavours - when I was 15, the history sort of repeated itself , as I was sent to a Latvian college, and despite having a decent spoken and written level of the native language by then, it wasn’t perfect, and I obviously had an accent, which attracted a certain amount of teasing there too. Albeit a lot less than the kindergarten drama, it was still stressful for a teenager trying to form their identity , but I persevered and finished my education there.

The irony of this story spanning a decade, of me trying to adapt to the native culture of my home country, is the fact that at the age of 21 I left Latvia for good, and have been living in London since , so the main language I use in my daily life is English. All this despite not even learning English back in school - it was actually German , which sadly I have very much forgotten by now.

My accent is not a problem here, in fact many people find it charming, not to mention that my ability to write in a language that I have learned later in life, is acknowledged and appreciated.

By now, having a lot more perspective about things, I can see that it was never about the language anyway. I bet there are plenty of Russian speaking people back in my home country, with very basic level of Latvian language, who don’t feel the need to greatly improve it, and to be seen as good enough as a result.

For me personally, this whole language saga mirrored the deeper themes of the rejection and abandonment that echoed through my formative years; and perhaps also through the ancestral lines. The ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ brainwashing journey of a little me.

And it is certainly interesting that I have since found the place of belonging in a different country altogether, and that I pour my soul into writing in a language that probably (but who knows!) wasn’t even spoken by any of my ancestors.

And while my inner child no doubt still has plenty of tender places due a long history of being rejected, I am so proud of her making it this far, and so very glad I can give her a voice via my writing.

“After all is said and done, more is said than done.”

Aesop

Since Substack isn’t a regular online space with an average audience, and has clearly attracted a certain calibre of individuals - those possessing depth, self-reflection, and an undeniable love of writing and reading; I feel that I probably don’t even need to explain in depth why I believe that words are powerful.

At the same time, the universal truths are worth repeating.

As I have said earlier , people who appreciate all that Substack has to offer, most definitely appreciate words - we wouldn’t be here otherwise.

Chances are - most , if not all of you have experienced first hand the impact of the written word in your lives. For me personally, it were books that have kept me relatively sane in my childhood - words on paper were my allies when the words spoken by people in my life were creating deep wounds in my psyche, a legacy I am still working on undoing.

Verbal abuse from the person who is supposed to be your safe harbour and your biggest cheerleader, is a massive betrayal and shock no child should endure. In the ideal world anyway. Unfortunately this planet has a lot of wounded people, who instead of healing, choose to become parents, and to pass their pain further. “Choose” is a strong word of course, until recently most people have done it on autopilot , due to societal pressures and expectations , but that is a story for another day.

Going back to books, they have also kept me company when I was neglected and have felt lonely ; ultimately they were my safe place in the otherwise unpredictable and chaotic world.

This all took place before the likes of the Internet and smartphones were introduced to the masses , so in that sense I was lucky; as despite me missing out on some pretty basic developmental needs that can only be met by an attuned, emotionally healthy caretaker, my escapism strategy of being a bookworm, was helping me to develop in other ways.

Evidently , words can both damage and heal, serve as the medicine or poison, depending on who delivers them. Words also come with a lot more than just information - they carry an energy signature (unless spoken/written by the AI of course).

And whether one is inclined towards the religious view of the world ( “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1), or is more into the esoteric interpretation of the reality , which by default acknowledges the existence of magic and its spells as being real, it is clear that words were never meant to be ‘just words’, and the fact that so many people currently believe otherwise, signals the degree of the disconnection from our true nature. Unfortunately we still live in a society that for the most part only acknowledges the material substance as real, while disregarding the subtle energy.

I most certainly don’t need to argue my point further , this community gets it. What we say and how we say it matters.

But the world at large has a very mixed bag of value systems, and the dominant ones are oftentimes a far cry from those trending on this platform.

Take the politicians for example, those that people elect as their ‘leaders’. It is literally accepted as a norm by now that their words and actions don’t align a lot, if not most of the time, and that the whole point of their words is to win the campaign and get to power. I say ‘norm’ because no one is even remotely surprised when their promises don’t manifest, so the bar is low to begin with. Does anyone keep them accountable ever? I am not massively interested in politics, so I genuinely don’t know the answer to this question, although it is a rhetorical one anyway .

However, the political game illustrates the point perfectly, as the rest of the world watches those “in charge” and takes notes, so the lack of accountability for one’s words is already modelled on that level.

‘Man of his word’ is a rare breed in the modern society generally speaking, but amongst the so called ‘leaders’ it appears to be extinct most of the time.

However, I am mainly interested in the more intimate and personal level of human relationships - one on one , as opposed to between the groups of people. To me, that is the most meaningful , as well as the most vulnerable kind, and with a potential to experience more pain as a result of things going sour. But also a lot more joy if navigated wisely.

And what we say to one another in those interactions matters a great deal. There is a very well known expression stating that ‘actions speak louder than words’, and while it is true, and remembering this truth helps not to trust blindly or to live in an illusion about someone’s character, it is also a signal at how far out of integrity things have fallen, that for the most part words are not even taken seriously, and there is a good chance they can be used to manipulate, control and deceive. Or simply be spoken in the moment without much self-awareness, and the embodied impulse to follow them up with actions.

I saw a quote some time ago that took it up a notch and stated "I don't trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.”

Again - it is true, patterns of repeated over time behaviour are the most accurate picture. And yet, this too is a painful reminder that words are misused on a large scale, and that way too many people do not treat them as something sacred.

Of course one might say - words are a tool, and therefore neutral, and it all depends on who is using them and why, their level of consciousness, their values and intentions. Again, very true - and yet I can’t help but think that as long as people are not taught to value words and treat them with the respect and awareness they deserve, as opposed to something that just comes out of their mouths, it is unlikely that things will change. Maybe this understanding comes organically, as a result of one’s growth and individuation, maybe for some of us we learned this lesson early on, because we were scarred by those who let their shadows unfiltered out through their mouths, maybe it is due to cultural differences and all kinds of other factors.

I suppose there are two distinct but interconnected dysfunctional patterns emerging here. First one - treating words casually and promising more than delivering. Second one, using words as a weapon against other people, not realising the potential damage, since “the sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” attitudes have been trending in the materialistic society, and ignoring the very real impact of verbal abuse on people’s mental health until very recently.

Having said that, I don’t believe in always being ‘nice’ and only speaking sweet words even when we are disrespected - sometimes the sharp sword of truth is very much needed when it comes to boundaries and speaking up about things that are important to us.

Things that are left unsaid because we are afraid of the confrontation, can be toxic to the body, and this scenario is very much the other extreme of the unhealthy relationship with one’s voice. However, words still need to be used wisely, and not in a volatile fashion, like they so often are, especially when the emotions associated with one’s truth have been suppressed for a long time.

I like the idea that ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ are two very different concepts, with the former a lot of the time being linked to a betrayal of oneself.

It might be my personal, subjective experience, but I observe a lot more flaky behaviour in the recent years out there, in this post pandemic world we have found ourselves in. ( I also observe more emotionally and verbally volatile behaviour, but I’ve gotten pretty good at removing myself from those situations.)

Which brings me to a valid point that people’s poor mental health can also be a significant factor in the inconsistencies displayed. And while I have a lot of empathy for this situation, I also believe that communication goes a long way, and being transparent about one’s struggles can be all that is needed in order to make things right relationally speaking. Of course, in real life people have all sorts of blockages when it comes to admitting being not ok, and that too is a material for another story.

There is a well known book in the self-development circles titled “Four agreements”, written by Don Miguel Ruiz, and the agreement to be immaculate with one’s word is very much what this article is about:

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word to offer love, never use it to cause fear or pain in another (or yourself).

However, there is another agreement in this bestselling book which urges us not to take anything personally:

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you.

What others say and do is a result of their own dream or perception of their rules. We all make rules about how things should be, but when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

This is clearly where I fall short, most likely due to childhood trauma, at least that’s what the developmental psychology seems to imply. And in particular I struggle not to take it personally when someone’s words don’t match their actions - I suppose due to it being a painful reminder of the abandonment and betrayal I experienced early on.

But I do wonder, is it really exclusively due to my heightened sensitivity to a certain trigger that these things get under my skin? Or is it objectively hurtful for anyone who values truth and authenticity, when they are faced with what can be described as a lack of integrity and consistency in their dealings with other people?

After all, more than one thing can be true at the same time.

And is it really realistic not to take anything personally? Even in a hypothetical reality, a utopia of sorts, where everyone is fully healed, or not injured to begin with. Surely some things are personal? Human beings are wired for connection (when they are healthy), and it is only natural to experience discomfort when chronic disconnect happens.

By never taking anything personally, and as a result not speaking up and not holding people accountable, aren’t we enabling the dysfunction to continue?

So many unanswered questions, and I am sharing this article with a hope that it will start a discussion amongst those who I suspect can relate to what I have written.

The forest has called me the other day…

And I have answered its call.

But first, not so little preface.

~~~

I live in a big city, a city I used to love and couldn’t get enough of. London , UK has certainly felt like home to me for a very long time; in fact it has felt more like home than the country and the city in Eastern Europe I was born in back in the eighties.

So much so that I have dedicated two very well received articles to it, two poetic love letters that were full of feelings of affection and appreciation for this incredible place.

If you are interested in exploring that part of my journey, you can read the letters below in the exact order.

https://vocal.media/wander/a-different-kind-of-love-letter

https://vocal.media/wander/a-different-kind-of-love-letter-part-2

My love affair with this city lasted for almost twenty years, and I truly believed it will never end. Things were by no means perfect, there were ups and downs - life in megapolis no doubt comes with certain challenges, but the good outweighed the bad, and it was so worth it.

However something has changed dramatically in the last year or so. At first I thought it was just me and the increased nervous system dysregulation I have been experiencing lately, that has made me incredibly sensitive to the energy of a big city. Even going on a public transport has become stressful and energy draining, so I would avoid it unless it was absolutely necessary.

But the post traumatic stress effects on my body weren’t exactly new, I’ve struggled with them on and off my whole life, yet the periods of dysregulation were cyclical, I wasn’t getting as stuck in them. And while no doubt when in the thick of it , I would feel more vulnerable and activated in the busy public places, overall London energised me and has felt safe. Something else was going on.

Since I am a big believer that how we feel on the inside is then projected on the outside, which makes those perceptions subjective - initially I saw this new development purely as an invitation to heal deeper, a journey I am on as we speak.

But like in any relationship - things are never one sided - “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of thing; instead both parties co-create the dynamic, and eventually I was forced to look at one factor I was previously in denial about due to my long term loyalty to this city.

After speaking to few people, as well as reading few articles, I came to a conclusion that London has changed indeed, and how I feel is not just my subjective perception, it also reflects the objective truth.

My long term love is not the same upbeat and welcoming place it once was. I imagine a myriad of factors play into this, but I would just sum it up as follows: city’s energy is a sum total of the energy of all its inhabitants, the collective consciousness kind of thing. In the past, especially before the pandemic , the collective spirit was a lot more hopeful. Not perfect, people have always struggled with all kinds of things, but as I have previously said, there was a balance of forces.

As a result of the events of the last few years, a lot more people live in fear and despair. I believe the pandemic did a number on our ability to connect , trust, feel safe with, and be kind and accountable to one another. The cost of living crisis pushed more people into survival mode, the news from around the world are adding stress to our already stretched bandwidths; the list goes on. Not to mention the unique personal challenges every person is facing in these times of transition.

And while I believe that all of the above is somehow part of our evolution and individuation process, on a soul level we signed up to this, and the current planetary energies are supporting our transformation - this truth only applies if one engages in some sort of inner work , and the sad reality is that most people don’t.

As a result, there is a lot of volatile energy in the air, energy the more sensitive of us can pick up on and be affected by. Not to mention the more visible manifestations of this phenomenon, namely a significant increase of antisocial behaviour on the public transport and elsewhere.

And while I don’t believe that pointing fingers helps anyone, I also think that majority of people underestimate the degree of impact our environments have on us.

~~~

Well, that was one long preface, thank you for reading.

Now, of course there’s an obvious solution to the above problem, namely a relocation closer to Nature. However, that requires a number of different resources in place, and is in itself a stressful undertaking. In other words - not doable at the moment.

Then there is another obvious solution, less energy consuming - spending some time in Nature , aka city breaks to recharge. Yet it still requires a certain amount of commuting, involving more than one transportation mode, and most of the time there’s not enough energy left for this undertaking either, especially if one imagines all the possible triggers along the way, and so my enthusiasm would curb very quickly as my body simply wouldn’t feel safe to proceed.

“The parks will have to do, they definitely help a bit” - I would say to myself.

Then recently (thanks brain fog for this delay) I have realised that actually I can get to a beach in Essex with a single train ride, pencilled this plan in my head, and was about to execute it when the warm Summer weather has finally arrived. 

And then the most interesting thing ( in my opinion) happened. One day, as I sat down to meditate and gradually quieted my thoughts to a certain degree, a distinct inner voice has spoken: “Go to Epping forest.” 

Oh, that’s interesting and makes the most sense actually, as it only involves a single ride on the tube , albeit on my least favourite Central line, which for whatever reason is the loudest and feels the most volatile out of all London Underground lines. Yet it is also quite fast.

And as I revisited my last Epping forest memories from 1-2 years ago, and remembered how much I liked it there, I decided to abandon my previous Essex beach plan, and to go to forest (also in Essex) instead. Especially given the fact of such a clear instruction from my Intuition/subconscious mind/ Higher Self; it would simply be foolish to ignore it, as that aspect knows better than my conscious mind what is it that I need.

On the day, I had to use earplugs before boarding Central line in order to dampen the loud noise, and while not particularly pleasant, the journey only lasted 30 min or so.

Once I got to the forest, my body seemed to have relaxed almost immediately, and for the first time in a long time I have felt myself breathing fully - all the way to the belly, whereas in the city I don’t think the breaths always make it even till the diaphragm, that’s how shallow they feel.

As I have anticipated, the energy felt truly magical- Epping forest is both giant and ancient place, and its presence is very strong.

It is hard to describe how it felt to be there, but the effect was certainly holistic- body, mind and soul have all benefitted and got nourishment as a result. What has felt especially powerful , was sitting under and connecting to the oak trees - very grounding and recharging experience of feeling one with Nature and fairy realms.

Different tress have different healing properties, and I have previously experienced some of their magic in London’s parks, but forest’s effect was definitely a lot more potent.

This trip proved to be very medicinal, and has had an effect of both calming and energising my system - I came back a lot more embodied, connected to Earth and better able to handle life in the capital.

One of the effects of trauma is chronic disassociation, the so called ‘leaving one’s body’, which is a habit our psyche develops in order to cope with the overwhelming emotions. In certain situations, especially in childhood when one is unable to integrate and make sense of the chaos around them, this is actually a very useful adaptation and helps to survive whatever is going on. However, over time it tends to become counterproductive, as ironically the more time one spends not being present in one’s body, the more anxious one feels eventually. 

That is why grounding and reconnecting to our bodies and the Earth can have a profound effect of relaxation and clarity, and forest is truly one of the best places for this to occur. My inner guidance was spot on about it.

And London? I suppose I have to see what happens, and whether my newly found connection to the ancient forest can provide me with enough roots to make my long term relationship with the city work. Remains to be seen…

This may sound as a bit premature, considering the length of time I have been here for, but from what I have seen (read) so far, Substack seems to be the safe place I have been looking for creatively speaking.

It wasn’t a conscious search, I didn’t know this is what I need. What I knew was that I am a very private person when it comes to certain things, so while my writing has always been heartfelt and authentic, which is why it found resonance in people’s hearts, at the same time my creative process danced right at the edge of where the personal and the universal met.

The words were true and honest - I simply do not know any other way, they were no doubt inspired by my personal experiences and the journey I embarked on as a result of them, and yet I haven’t divulged many details of my life. Especially when it comes to the events that have shaped me , the ones that seem to have the most influence on us from within the depths of our subconscious.

It is a very different story in real life. Once I feel safe with someone - usually in one on one setting, I tend to overshare quite a bit , and then regret it later on. So much so that one of the therapists over the years introduced me to a certain quote by Brene Brown in relation to this very pattern, and I have to keep reminding myself of these powerful words ever since :

“Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?” If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.”

This incredible quote is coming from a woman who is famous for teaching people about the power of vulnerability. But clearly there is a time and place for it, one needs to read the room so to speak. Correct me if I’m wrong, but apparently the overwhelming majority of human beings is still very much uncomfortable with, and even intimidated by the conversations about the likes of emotions, trauma etc. It stirs up too much in their own systems, hence doesn’t feel safe, and so the conversation can often turn awkward at best, and invalidating at worst.

And if in real life, we can judge someone’s potential willingness or the lack of it by their face expression and the body language (and yet still get it wrong a lot of the time, I know I do!), online there is even less data available in order to figure out if the audience is safe.

Enter Substack. Maybe the algorithm did a very good job and I was only shown those kind of creators , but I saw so much vulnerability, I myself felt a little intimidated.

This seems to be a place with a very high concentration of deeply feeling and thinking people, committed to the transformative path of individuation, and the process of healing that inevitably comes with it.

I realise that I still haven’t shared anything personal about myself, despite emphasising this ingredient as a missing link in my writing. I also notice as I write that I do my best to avoid going there, as if that will make me too vulnerable in this new place (albeit virtual) where I’m still a stranger.

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I haven’t had many positive experiences with the groups in real life, beginning with the kindergarten I was a bit of an outsider, an odd one out. But I suspect this is the case for many highly sensitive and creative people, so overcoming this fear is probably a common theme for this platform.

And since today is Father‘s Day, perhaps this is where it makes sense to begin.

If personal information was the missing link in my writing so far, then the father figure was a missing link in my life for as long as I can remember myself. In other words - there was no father; I was raised by a single mother, a woman who out of her own woundedness has inflicted a lot of damage, damage which cuts a lot deeper than father’s absence, and deserves a whole other conversation.

Yet since today is Father’s Day, I might as well touch upon the lighter aspect so to speak. Lighter not because it doesn’t hurt, but because on its face value it feels like a less heavy weight to carry. And I wonder if it is partially due to the fact that the absent father phenomena is something that is unfortunately normalised to a degree in our culture. Not necessarily the physical absence, I think this is more common in the post Soviet block where I’m from, however the emotional absence in fathers seems to be a widespread issue , affecting a lot of people.

I might be wrong of course, and this belief might in fact be the result of the invalidating experiences I mentioned earlier, where by sharing the facts of one’s life as a fatherless daughter , one is met with - “well, my father was always working and/or emotionally unavailable, so he wasn’t really there either”.

Ok, I see what is happening here. Evidently , I’m trying to create a diversion once again - talking about other people, as opposed to how I feel. Maybe it’s a sign that this is enough for today, I’m still testing the waters, I don’t need to go all in. But needless to say, I am not celebrating Father’s Day, never did. And seeing other people’s posts about it online, inevitably triggers sadness in me. I feel like I missed out on such an important experience, and the repercussions of it are still very much playing out in my life now.

At the same time I know that I’m not alone in this, far from it - these days so much more conversation is being held online when it comes to all the things attachment and reparenting, and this aspect of social media is simply incredible.

Even if only virtually and metaphorically, but I believe that we are holding each other’s hand on this healing journey, and that is a beautiful thing.

The tree is one of the most powerful, complex and popular symbols in human history and culture , and it came to represent a variety of things. Strength, wisdom, balance, protection, growth. Tree of Life, World tree, Cosmic tree, Tree of knowledge of good and evil. There is a lot to unpack here, as this is indeed a multifaceted and complex archetype, but in this article I will focus on the aspects I personally find the most interesting, as well as the most applicable in my own life.

The tree has an uncanny ability to unite two seeming opposites, and as a result to heal the schism very much prevalent in our society. Namely, the split between the physical and spiritual aspects of reality, and a subsequent perception of the two as completely separate realms that aren’t interconnected at all times.

More often than not, a modern human tends to sway towards one of the following polarities in his worldview. He is either a materialist and only perceives the physical, tangible world as real; relying on science 100%, and denying the rest due to the lack of evidence. Or in case of the other extreme, a person can become so spiritually minded, that he disconnects from the physicality and their body, dabbling in asceticism, seeing sensual pleasures as ‘less than’, denying the importance of money and seeing it as a root of all evil, and engaging in other similar distortions.

Of course, none of those modes are healthy nor balanced, and whenever I start to perceive a contradiction between the matter and spirit, I remind myself about the symbol of a tree. It is fully grounded in the physical with its roots going deep into the Earth, yet its branches are stretching high into the Sky. There is no contradiction, just different levels and expressions of the same, working in harmony at all times.

We oftentimes forget, but humans wouldn’t be able to survive without the trees being present on the planet for a simple reason or them purifying the air we breathe. Places like the Amazon forest are called ‘the lungs of the planet’ , and I find it fascinating that trees literally mirror our process when it comes to breathing. While we inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide, they do the exact opposite, absorbing CO2 from the atmosphere and then releasing oxygen back into it, which allows our species to continue breathing and living. This is definitely something we take for granted most of the time, not acknowledging the sacred connection that is clearly shared between humans and trees.

Another amazing thing about the trees, is that they have incredibly long lifespans, with some of them living over 4000 years. And the more a tree matures, the more strength, power and mystery it exudes. We are more likely to be in awe of an oak that is a thousand years old, than of a young one.

Now consider how different are the attitudes towards the ageing in the human society. Weakness, disease, loss of cognitive abilities, unattractiveness. A whole book can be written about ageism and its toxic beliefs. We are programmed to associate the old age with the decline, loss of health and fulfilment, fear of death etc. And whenever there is a conversation about slowing down the time, aka ageing slower, it is mainly focused on the retaining of the physical appearance of youth, with the help of various products and services, rather than on cultivating the essence of staying young - joy, curiosity, appetite for life, adventure and exploration etc. What sells when it comes to eternal youth is mainly the surface level - appearing to be something, as opposed to actually being it. The external intervention as opposed to an internal one.

Then there are attempts to manipulate the DNA in order to achieve a longer life, or even immortality. Seemingly this ideology is digging deeper, yet it is still not embracing the fact that the energy that connects all things on the subtle level is capable of so much more than the external attempts to manipulate the matter. Playing God in science can potentially lead to all kinds of disasters, since there is usually an excessive focus on the financial profit, and little curiosity about what is at play beyond the physicality.

How comes a tree doesn’t need to manipulate its DNA in order to live longer? Maybe that’s because it does not doubt its connection to the Divine, does not perceive the physical as separate from the spiritual, and does not conform to the mental limitations and fear of death. It just stands in its power, allowing the nutrition from all planes of existence to sustain it, not cutting off Nature and limiting itself to the realms of fear, control and manipulation, like it so often happens when it comes to the impact the modern infrastructures have on human beings.

The last, but not the least; trees are actually ‘social creatures’, they are connected to each other at all times by multiple networks (including the fungi in the soil), and they communicate and support one another by exchanging information and sharing the resources when needed. There is a lot of information online about these fascinating findings , and I believe it highlights something essential. The cooperation and support systems are crucial in order to thrive on this planet; yet despite all the technological progress, in many ways humans are more disconnected from each other than ever, and there are multiple reasons for this phenomenon, reasons that I shall explore in my future posts.

Meantime, it is obvious that we can learn a lot of valuable lessons from these majestic and mysterious creatures called trees. 🌳

I oftentimes hear that people do not know what they want, and it usually sounds like a judgment of some kind, whether aimed at others or at oneself. What I came to understand as a result of therapy, is that a lot of the time this happens due to unmet needs; very basic psychological developmental needs that we are often not even consciously aware of having once we ‘grow up’.

Metaphorically speaking, they are the very foundation one needs to have in order to build the rest of the house - a healthy personality. Once that is in its place, knowing what one truly wants will arise organically. The problem is that for a lot of people, it is hard to know what those needs even are , to acknowledge and name them, let alone to find healthy ways of meeting them. If something was chronically out of reach during one’s formative years, it simply gets exiled out of one’s conscious awareness, as if one doesn’t have this need at all. You do not know what you do not know, and do not have the words to express it either. The system simply does its best to survive and adapt to the circumstances and the environment it finds itself in.

But the unmet needs don’t just disappear, and our subconscious will always try to meet them, usually in maladaptive ways , since we don’t know how to identify and directly ask for what we need.

Some of the examples of those developmental needs are - safety, protection, support, compassion, presence, attunement, healthy mirroring. If one learned to be without all of the above, it is a brilliant adaption in order to survive, but not thrive. If one was chronically not seen and heard, if one was shamed while expressing themselves; their true essence - the part that holds their heart’s true desires, will be temporarily on mute so to speak. Other parts will be in charge, parts created in order to adapt and survive the environment where one’s needs do not matter. Those parts are called ‘managers’ in the IFS (Internal Family systems) therapy modality, and they are managing our lives indeed.

Hence why, it is easy to see how knowing what one truly wants cannot even enter the picture, unless the above is taken care of.

So what is the solution? Getting to know oneself, one’s needs and feelings and finding the ways to meet them. In fact, this process can be another exercise in creativity - “how can I meet my unmet childhood needs now?”

There is a reason why the phrase “Know Thyself” was written in the Delphi oracle’s temple. Truly knowing oneself is the most important knowledge and understanding one can gain in their lifetime. The external search is of a lesser importance, and can sometimes even serve as a distraction, a way to avoid meeting and facing oneself. Even something as sacred as spirituality can be utilised in order to achieve the above mentioned effect of avoidance. This happens a lot with the phenomena called ‘the spiritual bypassing’, something I actively engaged in myself once upon a time.

Identifying and meeting one’s needs is a far less glamorous process on its face value, compared to becoming one with the Universe and ceasing to have human needs and wants. Being human can at times be messy and painful, and it is very tempting to try to avoid dealing with all that.

That is why you oftentimes see very spiritually evolved or/and intellectually gifted people, who at the same time are very emotionally immature and are lacking self-awareness . While a society as a whole, tends to value the physical and intellectual above the emotional and spiritual , the spiritual circles in turn are prone to value spiritual above everything else. Of course, none of those end up being balanced solutions that address a whole human, and not just some of his aspects.

This need for balance and the integration of Heaven and Earth is eloquently communicated by the following quote:

“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.”

― Carl Jung